Money, Money, Money

Well, the search has begun. We are checking prices with pharmacies who specialize in fertility drugs. We can't take out a loan until we know how much to take out.  We got our first quote today. Pharmacy  #1 quoted us a price of $5,880. Add in everything else, and we are looking at about $7,200. That particular pharmacy has a program where you can fill out an application to try and qualify for help with the cost of your drugs.  We've tried before with a pharmaceutical company but were told we made too much money. This particular application asks for a letter of hardship. That made us feel a little better because we could explain our situation. Anyway, it would be nice to qualify for assistance. Richard will be calling pharmacy #2 tomorrow for a price quote.  After we get some final numbers, we can start shopping loan rates.

I don't really know how we are going to do this, but I know it will all work out. I've stopped expecting others to give/donate. There have been many who have helped us, but the money has stopped coming in. I'm thankful for the ones who have helped. We realize that we are on our own. It has taught me a lesson though. I used to be one of those who would see someone trying to raise money or see someone in need and ignore it or think that I didn't have a substantial amount to give so there was no point in giving. Now I realize that every little bit helps. We don't have a lot to give right now, but we've decided to help others and give whatever we can. We just want to bless others the way that we've been blessed. The money will come. God will make a way like he always has.

So how can you pray for us? Well, first pray for Godly wisdom so that we will make the right decisions. Then you can pray for God to remove stress from our lives. The fall is always a very stressful time for me at school, and I really don't need that right now. Pray that either pharmacy #2 will be substantially cheaper or we will qualify for pharmacy #1's program. Pray for a really good interest rate on a loan. Pray that this procedure works so we won't have to take out a loan for IVF right after we finish. There are so many things to pray for. If this doesn't work and the doctor tells me that IVF isn't an option, I will be devastated, but I will have closure. I don't need a doctor to get pregnant. I know the great physician.  At least I will know that I don't  need to spend anymore time or money at the fertility clinic. If all of this is just too much to pray for, just be like my mom and pray that I will be pregnant by the time I go back to the doctor. Wouldn't that be nice! I love a good miracle.

Thanks again for your love and support.

Shatisa

The Beginning of the End

Where to begin!?! Well, we met with our doctor today. This is our first meeting since the last failed IUI. I have been praying that God would give our doctor wisdom and that we would get guidance from him as to what we should do next. We talked about the IUI and how I didn't have a lot of follicles but great estradiol numbers. He said what he's said many times, that I just am not producing the amount of eggs I should with the high dosage of medicine I'm on.

So what's next? He asked us what we were thinking about doing, and we told him that we thought we would try one last IUI, and if it doesn't work, we will do IVF.  He said that he thought that was a great plan. We went into this meeting knowing that another IUI would be expensive, because I'm completely out of meds, but we thought that it would be manageable since another friend had offered me a little leftover medicine that might help reduce the cost a bit. However, that was not the case. I won't be using her donated meds.

Our doctor said that he wants to put me on the full regimen of IVF meds for this IUI. It's really a great plan. He said by doing this we can figure out how my body will respond to the meds and if IVF would even be an option for us. So if I don't respond well, we know not to waste our money on IVF, which could save us $20,000 in the long run. The only problem is that these drugs are ridiculously expensive. The drugs alone will be between $5,000-$7,000. That's not counting appointments and the actual IUI. Needless to say, I'm overwhelmed.

The financial side of it is hard to stomach. Do you take out a loan? Do you charge some of it? It's enough to make your head spin. We have to call pharmaceutical companies to see who can give us the cheapest price since our insurance pays nothing. Then we have to check on interest rates and loan programs. I don't want to take out a loan if we may have to turn around and take out another loan for $20,000 for IVF. I just want to scream.

Once again, we discussed the unknown, not knowing if I'm really producing good quality eggs and having no way of truly knowing until we do IVF, but IVF is a $20,000 diagnostic tool. Who can afford that? But he did talk about those risks with us, if I do respond well and have to actually do IVF. He said that we could spend that money and not produce enough embryos when it's all said and done, but at least we will have closure. If I don't have good eggs, he said we then had to decide if we wanted to use donor eggs, donor embryos, or adopt.  Those are all things I can't even wrap my brain around right now.

How do I feel? Numb! I've been doing this so long that I just feel numb, and the rainy weather, death of Robin Williams, genocide of Christians, war in Gaza, and ten thousand other horrible things I see on the news only add to the numbness and sadness I feel. Do I trust God? Totally! But it doesn't mean that the devil doesn't attack me on a daily basis. I know God will provide a way, but it doesn't mean that my brain isn't moving a hundred miles an hour trying desperately to process all of this information. I still have moments when I am fighting fear and depression. I have faith that God has a plan for us, and I still know without a doubt that we will be parents. It's not a lack of faith to be concerned with whether or not you are making the right decisions, following God's plan.

So here we are. We are about to drop some serious cash that we don't have, but we are just trusting that God will provide a way for us to pay it. If I respond well to the meds but the IUI doesn't work, we will take out a loan for $20,000 and try IVF. If IVF doesn't work, we will adopt. The one good thing is that we have plenty of time to adopt. The clock isn't ticking when it comes to adoption, and this next route will give us some definite answers and help us to know if we should close a door and walk away from it.

We still need your prayers. We still need donations.  Here is our link to our fundraising site: http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/our-journey-to-parenthood/50742. Feel free to share it on your Facebook page or Twitter. Thank you to all of you who have texted, emailed, and messaged me on Facebook. I appreciate your support, kind words, and donations.

Love,
Shatisa

The Scarlet I

I always sit down at the computer and write a blog when I have significant news to share from a doctor’s appointment.  It may be hard for others to understand why I write such personal things in these blogs and share them with everyone.  I think it’s because it’s a type of catharsis for me.  I can get all of my emotions out and off my chest.  It’s a coping mechanism in some ways. So, here I am at approximately 6:30 staring at my computer with a red face full of tears because the doctor’s office called me at 4:53 to say that I am not pregnant…again.  I went in at 9:00 this morning for my blood work, but because of the wreck on the interstate, it took all day to get my results.

I had such high hopes this time.  So many people were praying for us.  I just knew it was perfect timing, but I was wrong.

Sometimes I feel like I have a scarlet I tattooed on my chest. You may not see it, but it’s there.  I’m the infertile girl, the one who is constantly trying to convince herself that she isn’t broken. Some people avoid conversations with me.  Some people look at me with pity in their eyes.  Some people try to avoid that topic and pretend like it doesn’t exist.  Some people want to talk about it each time they see me, in grocery store lines and at the mall, random places.  

These days I feel like I have no identity.  There are lots of women who have chosen not to have children and others who never married and had to let that dream fade away.  I am not trying to belittle them in any way.  But, I have no identity.  Children give you purpose.  You become mother and friend.  You become the ballpark mom who hangs out with the other ballpark moms.  All of your friends have children, and your children hang out with each other.  You belong to this close knit circle of friends, the mom club.  It’s such a big deal to people.  The minute you get married people begin asking you when you are going to have children, and it never ends.  All your friends get married and begin having children, but you don’t.  Like I’ve said before, we just don’t fit in.  There is no social circle for us.  I don’t want to be childless.  I don’t want it to just be me and Richard.

For some women, living a childless life is a choice they’ve made, but I can’t do that.  I’ve had two dreams my whole life.  At the age of fifteen I felt like my calling was to become a singer, a contemporary Christian artist. I dreamed for years of being a singer, but now I’m too old.  I realize that dream is beginning to fade away, and I’ve had to let go of that.  And just like many other girls, I began dreaming at a very young age of being a mother some day. That was all I ever wanted.  I dreamed of falling in love and marrying and having precious children.  That was one reason why I didn’t pursue my master’s and doctorate in music.  I didn’t want to move away and be in school forever.  I wanted to get married and start a family.  I will not, I can not let this dream fade away as well.   

Last week, around the 6^th day after the IUI, I started spotting.  It happens every single time.  I was devastated.  I just knew I wasn’t pregnant.  I cried all night.  I couldn’t sleep, and I stayed up most of the night talking to God.  The next day I went over to a friend’s house to swim.  I normally don’t talk to anyone about what’s going on until after my pregnancy test, but for some reason I started talking to my friend about how I didn’t think I was pregnant.  We had a long talk that day.  I was feeling discouraged and wondering if it was time to throw in the towel.  I talked about how many times we have tried and how many years we’ve been doing this.  My friend told me that she didn’t think it was time for me to give up, and we talked about some of the options.  That night, I lay in bed thinking about our options and what we should do.  The next morning, I woke up to a text from another friend.  Now, keep in mind that I haven’t discussed any of my frustrations with her.  I haven’t talked to her in a month, but out of the blue she sent me this text:

 

                        “So I went to a worship concert with Kari Jobe and Christine Cane,

                          and it was just heaven and spirit filled. Well, they talked about

                          how Joshua walked around the walls with these people for 6 days.

                          They never saw progress.  They never saw a brick fall.  They never

                          saw a crack come in them, but yet they NEVER gave up.  They didn’t

                          quit.  They didn’t stop at lap 1 or 4 or 5 or even 6.  But then day 7 comes,

                          and with all their trust, with all their faith, with all their strength, they

                          went around again like the Lord said, and then it happened.  They fell.

                          The promise was there.  They gained the land that the Lord had promised

                          them. And I just felt the Lord telling me to say to you that you can not

                          give up.  You may not see progress.  You may not even see a hint of light

                          in your situation, but the Lord is bigger, stronger, faithful in all things, so

                          don’t give up. You never know when that last lap is. You’re so close.

 

                          Also, Christine got a word from the Lord about women who can’t have

                          babies, and she prayed for the promise to come.  This was after the Lord

                          had already put you on my heart.  So she made them stand and she

                          prayed over them.  I stood in your place.  Hold on to hope. It’s coming.”

 

What do you think about that?  Did it give you chills?  It gave me chills.  I woke up that Friday morning and picked my phone up like I do every morning and that text was on it.  She had no idea what I had been dealing with, no idea what I was contemplating, no idea I was considering giving up, and she wrote that.  I don’t know about you, but I believe God is trying to tell me something. 

 

No, I am not pregnant.  I’ve had to come to terms with that.  Yes, I have done eight IUI’s over a seven-year period, and they have all failed.  Yes, I am getting older and am running out of money and time, but I still don’t think God is ready for me to throw in the towel.  I’m not going to lie to you and say that after reading that text I just started smiling and being happy for the rest of the week.  I have wrestled with frustration and questioned God.  I have cried.  I have held on to hope that maybe I was pregnant.  It’s because we are about to deal with the greatest burden we’ve had to deal with.   

We meet with the doctor on August 12^th.  Richard and I have decided that we want to try one more IUI.  It will be very costly since we have no medicines left.  We are looking at around $5,000 for that treatment, but that is still a little more manageable than the alternatives.  This will be the last IUI we do.  If it doesn’t work, we will do IVF.  I have no idea how we will afford it.  On average, it costs between $15,000-$20,000 for one cycle.  For some people it is a little cheaper, but my insurance is maxed out on meds, and we will have to pay for those on our own.  Most people I know have had to do at least three cycles.  There is no way we can do that unless a miracle happens, so Richard and I have decided to do the IUI and then take out a loan for IVF.  If IVF doesn’t work, we will pay that loan off and then adopt.  Adoption on an infant in the states through an adoption agency is $25,000.   Of course, all of this is contingent upon what our doctor says, but he told me in our last meeting that we could do another IUI. As you can imagine, we feel like we have the weight of the world on our shoulders.  Trying to figure out how to pay for all of this is very stressful, but if God doesn’t want me to give up, then he will make a way when there seems to be no way.  This is not the road I wanted to take, but God has a different plan.   

 

Here is a little analogy that might put it into perspective for you.  Imagine being told that you have a terminal disease and only have a couple of years left to live. The clock is ticking.  Then imagine the doctor telling you that there is a medicine that could possibly save your life but there are no promises or guarantees, but your insurance will not cover it and the costs are astronomical.  That may be a poor analogy, but it's the best I can come up with.  You would do whatever you had to do to save your life, but you would worry about the financial burden, possibility of losing your home and saddling you and your family with debt.  Though we aren't faced with death.  The clock is ticking, and a possibility is within our reach.

As always, we need prayers.  If you have fundraising ideas, send them our way, or if you just feel like getting rid of any excess cash you have, we’ll be glad to take it off your hands.  We are trusting God and expecting a miracle, but everyday is a trial.  And, learning to trust God completely is no easy task.  Fear and anxiety creep in from time to time. Thanks again for your love and support.  We appreciate it. 

                        

Tick Tock Goes the Clock

No one likes to wait.  We spend most of our lives waiting for something, waiting in line at Walmart, waiting at the doctor's office, waiting for the work day to end, waiting for friends to come over.  The list goes on and on. When we wait our senses become hyper focused.  We hear the ticking of the clock, the clicking of nails, the screams of children, the conversations around us.  It seems to never end, but there are those sounds that tell us that our wait is over.  The cashier says, "Next."  The clock hits 5:00 pm. We even hear the car door that signals that our friends have arrived. It doesn't work like that for me.  There are no signals that my wait is over.  I have been waiting for nine years, and my senses are hyper focused.  I just find the noises annoying.

Sometimes I feel like Austin Powers.  That may be a bad analogy, but like Austin, I feel like I've been frozen in time and the whole world around me has changed, but I haven't.  At times I even feel as if my mojo has been stolen.  There really isn't a place for me and Richard.  We don't fit in.  It's not anyone's fault, but our friends have had children and have moved on with their lives.  Our lives are at a stand still. You don't fit in with your old friends.  It's hard to make new friends.  Once you have children they become your focus, your life, as it should be, but there is little room or time for others.  You don't fit in at work.  You are too old to hang with the young childless crew, but you are too young to fit in with the ones who have older children.  We are a minority, the childless.  We don't even fit in at church.  That's okay.  I don't have to fit in, but it does make for lonely times.

Sometimes while I'm waiting, I sit and think about whether or not it's worth it.  Is it worth it to never see your husband because he works two jobs?  Is it worth it to be alone all the time?  Is it worth it to sacrifice vacations and anniversaries?  Is it worth it to rarely eat out or buy anything for yourself?  Is it worth it to live in a town you really have no ties to just to be close to the doctor?  Is it worth it to pump your body full of drugs that make you act like a mad woman? Is it worth it to keep riding this emotional roller coaster ride?

There are days when I think that we should just quit treatments and spend our money traveling and enjoying life.  I sometimes think it would be great to pack up my bags and move to some tropical island and spend my days basking in the sun.  I oftentimes think of quitting and doing what I want to do, but then I think about old age.  Who will be there when we are too old to travel?  Who will be there for us when one of us passes away?  So, is it worth it?  Yes! No one wants to be alone. 

I haven't posted a blog in a while.  We've just been at a standstill.  After my failed treatment in the spring, I had another cyst, so I had to go back on birth control for two months to shrink it.  I also had to have my annual tests done to update my records, so we couldn't do another treatment until that was done.  I went last Thursday for my tests.  I have to be checked for STD's and other infections.  At least we know that I don't have AIDS or chlamydia. They have to do blood work and cultures and have to update my file. That has now been done.  I met with the doctor as well.

Dr. Allemand is great.  We talked about how there is nothing wrong with me on paper.  He found nothing in my surgery.  All my blood work is great.  I don't have thyroid issues or diabetes or high blood pressure or polycystic ovary syndrome.  There is absolutely nothing wrong.  He says that I just don't produce as many eggs as a 37 yr. old should. He said that I summed it up best by saying that we are just waiting for the perfect egg.  I just need one really good egg. 

The game plan is to increase the dosage of one of my medicines.  Luckily, I have a lot of medicine left over from the last treatment, so that will help a lot with the cost, but we are still looking at paying around $3,000 out-of-pocket for this next treatment.  It's not cheap.  The doctor and I discussed doing a couple of more treatments and then looking at IVF. However, if this treatment doesn't work, it may be better to just do IVF.  The cost of another IUI with no leftover meds would be pretty close to the cost of IVF.   Dr. Allemand said that the good thing about IVF is that he can actually look at my eggs under a microscope and see if they are normal/good.  If they aren't, then there is no use in trying anything else.  We would just have to adopt.

Anyway, that's where we are.  God's in control.  He hears my prayers and answers them.  Just continue to pray that the treatments work.  Pray for healthy eggs, a healthy baby, and a healthy pregnancy.  The Lord knows how many babies we can handle and afford.  I really don't want sextuplets and a television show. Also pray for a way to afford daycare.  Getting pregnant is only part of the problem.  There are obstacles to overcome once you get pregnant.  God knows what is best for us.  He sees the big picture.

To those of you who helped us with our last fundraiser, thank you.  That was a tremendous help.  I hate doing fundraisers because I feel like I'm just asking for money, but we really have no choice.  We will probably have to do some other fundraisers in the future or possibly take out a loan for IVF.  God will make a way.  He has made a way for us so far to afford everything we've done.  Thanks for your prayers and support.

Shatisa

Confusion

This July Richard and I will have been married ten years.  This August will mark nine years since we started trying to have a baby.  I never imagined this is where I would be nine years later…childless. We tried on our own at first.  After about six months, our OBGYN put me on Clomid.  I had very little response, so he did a sperm test on Richard.  He finally told me that he was referring us to a specialist in Birmingham.  Several tests later, we were ready for our first cycle. My response was not great, and the day of the IUI they discovered that something had drastically impacted Richard’s sperm count in a very short amount of time.  The doctor said that my chances didn’t look good, but sometimes miracles happen, so she went ahead with the IUI.  Of course, it didn’t work. 

Richard went to see a doctor who discovered that he had a varicose vein and had to have surgery…a varicocelectomy.  He went to specialists, and we waited.  The stress was so much on me that I said that we should just take a break, so we took a break for five years.  Knowing that we were going to have to spend lots of money on something that wasn’t definite was hard for me to wrap my brain around.  I took time to study God’s word and read and memorize every piece of scripture that I could find that pertained to our situation.  I started a Bible study/support group at church called Hannah’s Hope.  I wanted to reach out to other women who were going through the same thing.  I met some great women, increased my faith, and drew closer to God. It also gave me time to get my mind off everything.  God could make me pregnant without medicine.  He’s the great physician, so we stopped seeing doctors and tried on our own for five years, but it didn’t work.  I knew we needed to go back to the doctor, but I couldn’t bring myself to face it.  Finally, a dear friend gave us $500 and told us to make an appointment, so we did.

We started that first summer and did two IUI’s.  It was all we could do because I just couldn’t miss work.  We kept toying around with my meds, but neither response was ideal, and the IUI’s didn’t work.  Nine months later, we decided to try two more IUI’s.  We tried different meds, but my response wasn’t ideal.  Neither IUI worked.  It was at that point that we decided that I would have to continue throughout the year.  We had to be more aggressive.  I had recently turned thirty-six, and time wasn’t on my side.  The doctor and I decided that he should do exploratory surgery to make sure there wasn’t anything going on internally.  I had my surgery in October.  There were no problems.  I had a couple of polyps and such a mild case of endometriosis that it was barely stage I.  He lasered out what he found and cleaned me up.  He said that there was nothing going on internally that would keep me from conceiving. 

I was ready for my first treatment in November.  When I went in for my ultrasound, the nurse found a 4 cm cyst.  I had to take birth control pills for a month.  I went in at the beginning of January for my next treatment.  A sweet friend had sold me two boxes of Gonil F that she had leftover from her treatments.  It just felt like a God thing, medicine was placed in my lap.  However, it didn’t work.  Since the beginning of our journey, I’ve tried to keep a positive outlook on things, keeping the faith, but for some reason, I felt very depressed after that failed IUI.  I didn’t understand, and I felt so certain it would work, yet I had the worse response I’ve ever had. I’m resilient, so I bounced back after a couple of weeks, ready to go through it all over again. 

Then the greatest miracle of all happened.  A very dear friend from Dothan gave me all of her leftover meds from her previous cycles.  She gave me thousands of dollars worth of meds.  What a God thing!  I was so excited.  God had truly blessed us.  I went in for my ultrasound to get ready for my next cycle (it was on my birthday), and I had another cyst, almost as large as the last one.  I had to wait again.  This time I decided to stay on the birth control for a couple of extra weeks so I could visit with my family during Spring Break. After Spring Break, I went in for my ultrasound.  I still had a cyst, but it was too small to be concerned about.  I was ready for my cycle.  I just knew that this would be the one.  God had sent that medicine to me through a sweet friend.  I had the best response I’ve ever had.  It was a God thing. I just knew that this was the time I would finally get pregnant.  It was a done deal. 

After nine years and approximately 108 failed pregnancy attempts, you’d think that I would be used to it.  It’s hard to tell if you are pregnant while being on all these meds.  The progesterone pills you take mimic pregnancy symptoms/period symptoms, the typical stuff like cramping, bloating, sore boobs.  So, on Thursday, April 24^th, I knew something was wrong when I woke up that day and all symptoms were gone and zits covered my face.  Then I began spotting like I do every single time.  It was at that moment that I knew I wasn’t pregnant, just like all the other times. That night, I lay in bed crying.  I didn’t want Richard to know, so I hid it from him.  He kept asking me why my nose was stopped up, but he had no clue that I was crying and hurting and angry.

Depression is not what I felt this time.  I was angry at God.  I felt let down.  Why? Why did you let me get my hopes up?  Why did you send medicine to me only for it not to work?  Why did you let me have my best results ever only to find out that I’m not pregnant?  Why does your word say that with faith the size of a mustard seed, you can move mountains?  I have faith, at least mustard-size faith.  Why does your word say that nothing is impossible with God, yet this seems to be an impossible feat?  Why did you say you would give me the desires of my heart?  Why? WHY? WHY!!!!!! Do you hear my prayers?  Do you hear the people praying for me?  Do you even care?

I know those sound like horribly selfish things to say, but I am human.  Even though I know God hears my prayers and cares, I was hurting…am hurting.  I was ready to quit and throw in the towel.  Richard and I sat and talked about what to do.  The money is running out.  The stress and frustration are unbearable.  Maybe we should just quit. 

As I scanned through Twitter and Facebook, it seemed that every post I saw was aimed at me:  “Just because you can’t see it yet, doesn’t mean it’s not on its way.”  “Get your fire back.  It’s not over until God says it’s over.  Start believing again.  Start dreaming again.  Start pursuing what God put in your heart.”  Okay, God, I get your point.  It’s not time for me to give up.  Every single time I think it’s time to quit, something tells me not to.

I’m not angry at God anymore, but I still don’t understand.  But, in the wise words of Steven Curtis Chapman, “God is God and I am not.” I don’t always get his plan.  I don’t understand why he has allowed us to go through this.  All I know is that I have to keep on going and trusting him.  There has to be some reason for all of this, and one day soon I will know that reason.  Sometimes I get depressed, sometimes I get angry with God, sometimes I question God, sometimes I feel like I’m losing my faith in God; but don’t worry.   There is nothing wrong with my relationship with Christ.  I am human, but in my heart of hearts, I hear the voice of reason (the Holy Spirit), and I snap out of my funk.  

It is no secret that my insurance is maxed out, no more drug coverage.  I can do one more IUI, and then insurance won’t cover those anymore.  They only cover eight of them.  Richard and I can afford to do about three more treatments and that is it.  After that, I don’t know what we will do.  Maybe we can find some money or maybe we’ll have to take out a loan and try to adopt, if that’s even an option.  I don’t know if you can get a loan for that.  I don’t know anymore.  Right now I’m stressed about the storm damage to my house and figuring out how to pay the deductible and worried about what insurance will or will not pay for.  Trying to figure out how to pay for that and how to pay for fertility treatments at the same time is a nightmare.

Here I go again.  I’ll spend the month of May on birth control, trying to shrink that stupid cyst that won’t go away.  I’ll repeat my yearly tests, the ones that test me for every disease known to man.  Then I’ll meet with the doctor and proceed with the next plan, which will probably include outrageously expensive meds.  It’s just another waiting game.

There comes a point when you’ve said all that you can say to God.  There is nothing left.  I’ve prayed every prayer.  I’ve walked in faith.  I’ve begged and pleaded.  He knows.  Just pray for us.  There has to be something good just around the corner.  There just has to be.

The Waiting Game

I've been quiet for a while, not because anything is particularly wrong. I've
just been very busy, so let me take this time to get you all caught up.  I went to the doctor on my
birthday, February 21st, excited and ready to start my next cycle. When they did
my ultrasound, they found another 4cm cyst. I didn't even get upset. I just
shook my head and left, prepared to wait it out again. They put me on birth
control in the hopes of shrinking the cyst.

I've been playing the waiting game. I was on birth control for about five/six weeks
so I could get through Spring Break without having to go to the doctor, and that was probably the greatest decision I've made.  I needed a break.  I needed to get refreshed and rejuvenated, and seeing my family and going to the beach was just what I needed. Sometimes you just have to step away from it all for just a while. 

 I had to get the birth control out of my system and start my period before I could go back to the doctor, so I finally went back to the doctor today to do my ultrasound. Everything was fine; however, I still have a very small cyst on my right ovary. It just doesn't seem to want to go away, but it was so small that it doesn't matter. I can still start my meds and continue on with my next cycle.

I'm not going to get into specific dates, just because I would like to have some type of privacy.  I don't want people to ask me when I'm taking my pregnancy test and if I'm pregnant.  Sharing that news with everyone and people actually being surprised would be an absolute thrill for me, so I don't want to ruin that by telling people too much, but just know that I will be starting a new cycle of meds this month and will then have an IUI. I will have to wait two weeks and take a pregnancy test.

I really need your prayers. Pray specifically that I respond very well to this medicine, and thank God for replenishing my eggs when you pray. Pray for me to have a stress-free month. It is no secret that I have been really stressed out this year. Stress is not helpful when trying to get pregnant. Pray that things will go smoothly for me at work. Also, please pray that I will stop having cysts. Most importantly, pray that I get pregnant this time, and thank God for answering my prayers. 

I have peace.  I always do.  I know that God is in control.  He wouldn't bring me this far to leave me empty handed.  He has placed people in our life who have blessed us financially, people who have blessed us with thousands of dollars in medicine, and people who have prayed for us without end.  There is a reason for all of this.  I don't always understand why we've had to deal with infertility, but one day all the puzzle pieces will fit, and I will see God's perfect plan and how it all came together.

Thanks for your prayers and support,

Shatisa

I Can See Clearly Now. The Rain Is Gone.

In the two weeks since my last blog, things have changed.  I was really feeling down, but I have been reminded of God's love for me in a tremendous way. Countless people have sent me cards, texts, messages, and have even approached me with a hug telling me how they've been praying for me. I can't express to you how much that means to me.

As I sat in the doctor's office this past week, I noticed a woman who is there often when I am. She was crying and is always crying every time I see her there. I felt compassion for her, because I know what she feels like, but I also hurt for her because I could see the hopelessness in her eyes. Sure, I have days when I'm down and depressed, but I've never lost hope. I can't imagine going through infertility without knowing Christ or not having faith or hope in him. I'm not saying that she doesn't know Christ. I'm just saying that I was reminded of that when I looked at her. Without faith in God's ability and the hope that things will get better and I will be pregnant, I couldn't make it.

Everywhere I look I see reminders of God's goodness. Richard's car broke down a couple of days after my last blog. The old adage "When it rains, it pours" was running through my head. The repair was only $1100, which might not be too much to some, but to those who are spending thousands on medical treatments, it can be a huge burden. But, God made a way for us to pay for it. When we started back doing fertility treatments, we were fundraising pretty heavily. We raised around $1,000, which was a huge blessing, but the money stopped coming in. However, as I stepped back and took a look, I realized that God was answering my prayers but in a different way than I had expected. First, we didn't have to spend nearly as much money on our last treatment because a friend sold us her leftover meds for $200. Recently, another friend of mine donated all of her leftover meds. We are talking about six boxes of Follistim, not to mention the progesterone, Menopure, and supplements she sent me as well. She saved us over a thousand dollars, and my parents are coming to see me in a little over a week, so they can bring me the meds. My eyes were opened, and I realized that he hears my prayers and is answering them.

Interestingly enough, the medicine she donated to me is exactly what my doctor decided to put me on for this next round. Coincidence? I think not. We discussed my previous cycles and talked about the best way to make my body respond. He joked that my ovaries don't like him. He also talked about how I just don't have as many eggs as a 36 year old should have. Some people might have been upset by that news, but I just kept thinking, "Is that all you've got? That's a piece of cake for God. I'll ask God to replenish my eggs, and that's that. I mean, come on! He turned water into wine, made the blind to see, raised the dead. This is nothing." I'm not phased by that at all. Don't worry though. The doctor is not ready to throw in the towel. He's just trying different concoctions of medicine that will make my ovaries respond. There are women a lot older than I am with much fewer eggs still getting pregnant through fertility treatments.

I will try another round at the end of the month. Pray that my new meds will work and I will have a great response. Pray for eggs, eggs, and more eggs. Hold on! Don't go overboard. I don't need sextuplets. I'm just aiming for one, possibly two babies. I just need it to work. I need good news, no setbacks. Please pray for my sweet friend who donated her meds to me. She finds out next week if she is pregnant, and I pray that God blesses her just like she blessed us.

Thank you for all of your prayers and support. They mean the world to us. When you pray for us, don't forget to praise God for what he is doing in our lives. He wouldn't bring us this far to leave us empty handed. There is something wonderful just around the bend.