The Pit and the Pendulum

Christians can feel the victory of making it to the mountaintop. They can also experience the lows of the valley, but there is also a pit, a dark and desolate place. I've been in the bottom of the pit. I've been so far down that pit that I could scarcely see fragments of light.  I've watched the swinging pendulum of the clock and felt its incessant ticking, the fear of time running out. I have wondered if God heard my cries, if he even cared.  In my lowest and most frustrating times, I have cried out to God much like Job did. I didn't say the right things or petition him like the perfect Christian. I was raw, brutal, honest. I asked the questions that some Christians are afraid to ask. I begged, pleaded, screamed, and cried. I tried to bargain and negotiate. I was broken before my Lord.

But despite it all, he heard my cries, and he answered my prayers. He reached down and pulled me out of the pit and showed me that he hears every prayer that I pray and has captured every tear that I've shed. I have learned firsthand that my God loves me. Oh, how he loves me! He has shown me that he is still in the miracle business, that he gives us the desires of our heart, that nothing is impossible with him, and that he can do immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine. No matter what you are facing, never give up. Never doubt God.

After our last fertility treatment and the devastating news that the $7,000 treatment didn't work, we were heartbroken to say the least. I was in my darkest place. January 13th was the day we got the news. January 20th was the day we met with the doctor and discussed our limited options. Then came January 23rd. That was the day that I received a message on Facebook from a college friend. She told me that she had read my blog. Then she proceeded to tell me that after reading it she was contacted by her mother and told that a family member was pregnant and could not keep the baby. She didn't believe it was a coincidence but something that was God orchestrated. She asked if she could share our story with the girl. Richard and I talked it over that night and decided to let her, but we really thought nothing would come of it.

I got news on the 28th that she was open to the idea of our adopting her baby. By the next day, she had selected us. But the story gets better. She is having a baby girl, and she is due at the end of this month. Most people have nine months to plan. We have about three and a half weeks. Everything has to be expedited. We have spent the last couple of weeks working with a social worker and completing the home study. We met with the lawyer on the 6th, and the birth mother came to Tuscaloosa today (11th) to complete her portion of the paperwork with the social worker. The lawyer has drawn up the paperwork for the interlocutory agreement, and she will go before the probate judge within the next week or so.

This happened fast and unexpectedly. There are things that I can't tell you. There have been miraculous things that have happened, financial miracles, gifts from friends. All of this has shown me that it is a God thing. I have complete and total peace. Though there is always a chance that the birth mother can back out, I have no fear that she will. That is our baby, and she is coming home with us. The process has been smooth and easy.  You never know how much you want something until it's placed before you.

We are overwhelmed at God's goodness. When God orchestrates something, you know it. We've experienced an overflow. I sat in the bed last week and cried. I could not stop crying. I was amazed by God, embarrassed that I ever doubted him, grateful for his blessing, and overwhelmed at his outpouring of love. He answered my prayers, in more ways than one. He even paid attention to the tiny details, the little desires of my heart. He is so good. I can not thank him enough for his goodness.

Please continue to pray for us and the birth mother. This will be a difficult time for her. Pray that things will continue to go smoothly and that we will be bringing home our baby very soon. Adoption comes with risks. Yes, she could back out, but I have a peace that passes all understanding. I know everything will be just fine. We just have to wait a little bit longer. Thank you all for your support as we've fought this difficult battle. Thank you for your love and prayers. Continue to keep us in your prayers.

In love,
Shatisa and Richard

Plan Z

Most of you already know that our last treatment did not work.  I posted a blog last week about it.  It was very disappointing, to say the least.  We went in today for our follow-up appt. with our doctor.  He said that on paper my last treatment was picture perfect.  It was the best response that I’ve ever had.  Honestly, the last five have been wonderful.  There is no reason why I shouldn’t be pregnant.  They were all great responses, but I’m not, so there is some kind of issue.  It could be that I’m not producing quality eggs.  It could be that sperm cannot penetrate my eggs.  Those are all things that you can’t find out unless you are looking at it under a microscope.  However, my doctor did ask how much the last treatment cost, which was $6,300. He said if insurance were paying for some of it, he would tell us to just do another IUI because I responded so well, but insurance doesn’t cover anything, so he said it just wasn’t cost effective. 

Yes, I responded well enough to do IVF, but here is what most of you don’t understand.  Because I have low ovarian reserve, I don’t have the number of eggs that the normal woman has.  There is absolutely nothing I can do about that.  It doesn’t matter what I change about my health or what diet I’m on or what meds I take.  You are born with the number of eggs you will have.  You can’t increase that number. Only God can do that.  It is what it is. The average woman takes the drugs that I was on and can produce upwards of twenty follicles.  During IVF the doctors take the eggs out and fertilize them and select the best embryos to implant into the woman.  The average woman may end up with more than ten embryos, so she can spend $20,000 on the first full round of IVF and come back and use frozen embryos that she has left over and do another round that will be much less since she doesn’t have to take any drugs.  I, on the other hand, only produced five mature follicles on IVF drugs.  They would probably have to implant all of my embryos into me the first time, that’s only if they are of good quality.  If it didn’t work the first time, I wouldn’t have frozen embryos.  I would have to do the full cycle over again.  Two rounds of IVF would cost me $40,000.  Plus, it’s a risk, because we don’t know the quality of my eggs.  I could risk that much money and have nothing to show for it.  It’s a great procedure for the average woman, but it’s not ideal for us. IVF is not an option for us.  As the doctor put it, it wouldn’t be cost effective, it would be risky, and I would have low chances of conceiving.  We could try it with donor eggs, but you are looking at $30,000 or more to do that. 

Okay, so there is adoption.  I’ve said it before, but adoption of an infant is extremely expensive.  It costs roughly $25,000 to adopt an infant from an adoption agency in the U.S.  It costs even more if you adopt one overseas.  You will also be on a waiting list for a long time.  I believe that adoption is a calling.  We could adopt a foster child, but you deal with risks: behavioral issues, developmental issues, psychological issues.  Many of these children have been abused.  If you don’t believe me, go to the Heart Gallery of Alabama website and view the children waiting to be adopted. I think it is a wonderful program, but you also have to be careful.  You don’t know what you could be bringing into your home, and you have to be prepared to deal with the abuse that many of these children have come from and the issues that stem from that abuse.  There are many people who I know who have been able to adopt without going through an agency.  It is much less expensive, but those are rare situations. 

On to plan Z! Embryo donation is our best option.  My doctor is in charge of that program.  He thinks this is a wise decision and a cost effective one.  It is $5,800 to do this procedure.  That is much cheaper than anything else I could do, and it significantly increases my chances of getting pregnant.  There is a 30-50% chance of getting pregnant per embryo.  They will put 2-3 embryos inside and hope that at least one implants. We will be placed on a waiting list.  I don’t know how long that is, but he told me it would be months and not years.  It is no different than adopting.  It is even better.  I will get to carry the child.  However, it is a one-time deal.  They don’t let you continue repeating the procedure over and over again.  If it doesn’t work, you go back to the bottom of the waiting list. They will allow you to do this procedure until you are 50 years old.  Don’t worry.  I have no plans of being pregnant when I’m 50.  All we can do is try it.  The hardest part is mourning your chances of having a biological child.  You have to let that go.  Unless God intervenes and allows us to conceive on our own, which is ALWAYS a possibility, we will not be able to conceive a child that is biologically ours.  That makes me very sad, but I can’t do anything about it. Being on a waiting list will give us time to pay off the last loan we took out.  We almost have it paid off.  Then we will have to take out another loan to do the procedure. 

Thanks for your prayers.  If you have ideas about how we can fund raise, send them our way.  If you know of anyone who is going through infertility treatments, I have leftover medicines that need a home.  Send them my way.  I can help them out. 

Love,

Shatisa

Tired

I am writing this blog on Monday night, but I won't post it until tomorrow afternoon. I've known since Saturday that I'm not pregnant, that we've just spent $7,000 on another failed fertility treatment.  My body let me know the same way it's let me know all the times before.  It's devastating, absolutely devastating.  I am broken. I moped around all day Saturday at a birthday party, hoping that I was just imagining things or that what I was seeing was just spotting, maybe implantation bleeding, not my actual period, but Sunday morning confirmed my worst fears. Now I will get up early tomorrow and traipse down to the doctor's office and have a blood test that I dread having done because I know there is no hope or chance of a pregnancy this time around. 

How am I doing?  Not well.  I won't lie.  I'll be brutally honest, transparent.  In fact, I'm about to say some things that might offend people. I'm not trying to hurt anyone's feelings or point fingers.  I'm just sharing the thoughts that run through my mind.  I'm sorry, but this is how I feel.  I am miserable.  I want to stay in bed.  I don't want to go to work.  I don't want to talk to people.  I am fighting to keep from spiraling into depression.  I’m tired of my job.  I’m tired of this town. How would you feel?  I'm tired!  I'm tired of just about everything.  I'm tired of people telling me that they know how I feel.  No, you don't.  Even if you've been through infertility treatments, every person has a very different and unique situation.  I had a conversation with a friend one day who told me that she got tired of people saying that they knew how she felt after losing a loved one.  She pointed out that people mean well, but they forget that everyone grieves a different way and everyone's situation is different.  

Please don't stop me in front of other people and start asking me several questions about our situation.  I will start crying.  I am fragile right now.  I don't like crying in front of people. I'm also tired of people telling me to go on vacation, stop thinking about it, get acupuncture, try this and try that.  I'm tired of people telling me how to pray and what to say and if I quote this scripture 100 times a day and tilt my head to the left and do a jig while I pray, God will answer my prayers.  I'm tired of being told how I need to feel, what I need to say, and how I need to approach God. This is between me and God, and we will work it out.  He hears my prayers and your prayers.  He knows my heart.  I don't know why he isn't answering my prayers.  Just like any other Christian faced with a situation like this, I'm trying to be introspective.  Is there unforgiveness in my heart?  Is there sin I haven't repented for?  Are there things in my life that are hindering my prayer life or keeping my prayers from being answered?  I don't know, but I'm trying to figure it out. 

My faith and hope have taken a hit.  When you get bad news after bad news after bad news, yours would be impacted too. I am frustrated with God.  I don't understand.  Don't pretend like you've never had moments like this in your life, moments when you've doubted God, moments when you've been frustrated or angry at God, moments when you've wondered if he even hears you. It's part of being human.  It's part of being a Christian.  I will snap out of it.  I will pray and read his word and gain insight and eventually snap out of my funk like I always do.  

This may seem like a miniscule problem to you.  It may seem like there are so many others things in this world that are far worse, but for me, this is a tragedy.  It is my tragedy.  I have to have a few days to mourn and figure out what to do and pray and seek God's wisdom.  Nikki Giovanni says it best in her remarkable speech after the Virginia Tech shootings: 

"We are sad today and we will be sad for quite a while.

We are not moving on; we are embracing our mourning. 

We are strong enough to stand tall tearlessly; 

We are brave enough to bend to cry 

And sad enough to know we must laugh again.

We do not understand this tragedy. We know we did nothing to deserve it, but neither does the child in Africa dying of AIDS; neither do the invisible children walking the night away to avoid being captured by a rogue army; neither does the baby elephant watching his community be devastated for ivory; neither does the Mexican child looking for fresh water; neither does an Appalachian infant killed in the middle of the night in his crib in the home his father built with his own hands being run over by a boulder because the land was destabilized. No one deserves a tragedy."

I cut some parts out, but I think you get my point in posting it.  “No one deserves a tragedy.”  No one feels like she deserves the struggle she is facing, but horrible things happen to good people every single day.  I will cry and mourn, but there will come a day soon when I will be happy again.  I will move on. 

 The truth is this:  I am about to be thirty-eight next month. I've dreamed of being a mother my entire life and can't envision the lonely existence I would face without children in my life. I have tried for nine years to conceive.  I don't know how I will have children.  Maybe I'll have a biological child of my own, or maybe I won't.   God may perform a miracle and allow us to conceive on our own.  He may give us a child to adopt.  I don't know the answers to how and when this will happen.  I am open to whatever he places before me.  I don't know that IVF is an option for us financially.  With the amount of eggs I produce, we would be looking at $40,000 plus to do that, and my chances would be considerably low from the doctor's perspective.  The cruel truth is that infertility is a billion dollar industry.  Clinics and pharmaceutical companies are more interested in the almighty dollar than giving deserving people children.  If you can pay for it, anything is possible. But, is it worth taking that type of financial risk?  Adopting an infant is $25,000, and we will be on a waiting list for quite some time.  Do we try embryo donation?  It's no different than adopting.  The child isn't biologically yours, but you do get to carry it.  It costs money, but it's still cheaper than adopting...if it works.

I don't know what we will do.  I can't even think about it right now.  We have to finish paying off this loan before we can even do anything else. In the meantime, I will be praying and asking God to show us what we need to do.  Just pray for us.  That’s all I know to say.   

What a Difference a Month Can Make!

What a difference a month can make!  After a very disappointing appointment last month and only two antral follicles, I was hoping things would be much better this month, and they were.  I have seven antral follicles this month, four on one side and three on the other.  Plus, I have my customary cyst.  This one is 3cm, but because I will be on birth control for two weeks at least, it's no big deal.  The birth control will cause it to shrink. The most antral follicles I've ever had was eight, so this is a pretty good number for me. The nurse said it looked good and I should take it and run with it, so I will.

For the next 2-3 weeks, I will be on birth control.  I am on IVF protocol, so I am taking the same drugs as an IVF patient, but I will do IUI instead of IVF.  This treatment will take six weeks.  It does make Christmas a toss up for me.  We knew there was a chance it would impact Christmas, but you just have to do what you have to do.  We spend Christmas in Dothan.  This could postpone when I can leave for Dothan and how early I have to come back, or I may have to make a trip to the satellite office in Montgomery while I'm in Dothan.  We will just have to see. There are so many drugs that I have to take and varying time frames.  They actually make out a calendar for me that tells me what to do.  I will get that in the mail this next week, so then I will have a better idea of what plans I will have to make.

The next step is taking out the dreaded loan.  Richard will handle that this next week.  However, praise God! We have raised well over half  the cost, so there is only a few thousand to pay off.  We hope that we can take a big chunk out with our tax return.  God is good.  He has made a way for us to afford every single fertility treatment. I really don't believe he would provide us with the money if he had no intentions of giving us a child.

We need your prayers.  It's going to be a hectic month.  Pray that I will not be stressed out.  Pray that we are able to work around Christmas and not have to leave Dothan early or Tuscaloosa late. Pray that I have an awesome response to the drugs, and most importantly, pray that it works this time.  I really need it to. Pray for God's wisdom and guidance in what we should do. Also, pray that my skin will stop breaking out.  The concoction of supplements I've been taking for the last year have really messed my skin up.  My face and back look horrible, and it really bothers me, but there is nothing I can do.  I'm sure it's the male hormone they have me taking.  I will be so glad when I can get off this hormonal roller coaster ride. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers.

HOPE

I don't have the answer to all of life's mysteries. I can't explain why children get cancer or why babies in Africa starve to death. I don't know why people die tragic deaths or get Alzheimer's or MS. I don't understand why some people have all the money in the world and are looking for ways to spend it while others just want enough to put food in their mouths. I can NOT understand why some people use abortions as birth control and others starve and murder the children they were blessed with while others would do anything for the chance to have just one child. I don't understand why it is so easy for some and so hard for others, but what I do know is that you are crazy if you think that Christians get a get-out-of-jail-free card. Satan doesn't care who you are. God never promised us a perfect life just because we are his followers. It is quite the contrary. What we do have that separates us from non-believers is HOPE. We don't have to carry the burden of life on our own shoulders. Christ has and will gladly carry it for us. We don't have to fret and worry about what the end result will be, because God's got it all taken care of. He has a perfect plan for each and every one of us. If you'll just sit back and let God do his thing, the same man who created the universe will guide and direct your life on a perfect path. I am certain that God's plan for my life is 1,000 times better than anything I could ever come up with.

I have to remind myself of these things constantly, especially on days like today when things don't go my way. I went back to the doctor today, ready to start the most expensive round of treatments yet. However, we will have to wait another month. My body isn't cooperating this month. Let me give you an Infertility 101 lesson. When you begin a cycle of treatment, the first thing you do is go in for your baseline ultrasound to check for antral follicles. Antral follicles are what produce mature follicles and mature follicles are what produce eggs. Now, not every antral follicle will produce a mature follicle and not every mature follicle will produce a mature egg, so you want as many follicles as possible. The last treatment I did back in July/August, I had eight antrals. Today, I only had two, one on each ovary. That is very, very bad. There is no explanation. I have never had this few. Each month only one ovary ovulates, so you normally see more on one side, but mine just decided that neither wanted to participate. My blood work was fine, as usual. I never have issues with FSH, estradiol, or progesterone, just the follicles.

I'm not upset. If I'm going to spend $7,000 on a treatment, I don't want to do it until everything looks great. They did go ahead and test my AMH levels again. That is the anti-mullerian hormone. It is used to test ovarian reserve. They have tested mine before, but it's been about two years since the last test. My results were not good last time. They like for women to have .7 to 1.0. Mine was .40/.45. That is considered low. We have been aware of that for a while. The doctors say I have low ovarian reserve, which means I don't have a lot of eggs left, but that doesn't mean I can't conceive. They checked again to see if it's dropped anymore. If it gets below .3, then we have a problem. They didn't have those results when they called me back today. If it hasn't dropped much, then we will just go back next month and try again.

It is what it is. There is nothing I can do about it. Women are born with how many eggs they are going to have. I can't change that. Only God can do that. I will keep trying until they tell me they can't do anything else for me. If they tell me that my AMH has dropped to below .3, then we will have to look at adoption or embryo donation or egg donation, all of which are expensive, but like I said before, God's got this, so I'm going to sit back and follow his lead.

Just continue to keep us in your prayers. I don't even know what to specifically ask you to pray for. Thank you for your love and support.