Tired

I am writing this blog on Monday night, but I won't post it until tomorrow afternoon. I've known since Saturday that I'm not pregnant, that we've just spent $7,000 on another failed fertility treatment.  My body let me know the same way it's let me know all the times before.  It's devastating, absolutely devastating.  I am broken. I moped around all day Saturday at a birthday party, hoping that I was just imagining things or that what I was seeing was just spotting, maybe implantation bleeding, not my actual period, but Sunday morning confirmed my worst fears. Now I will get up early tomorrow and traipse down to the doctor's office and have a blood test that I dread having done because I know there is no hope or chance of a pregnancy this time around. 

How am I doing?  Not well.  I won't lie.  I'll be brutally honest, transparent.  In fact, I'm about to say some things that might offend people. I'm not trying to hurt anyone's feelings or point fingers.  I'm just sharing the thoughts that run through my mind.  I'm sorry, but this is how I feel.  I am miserable.  I want to stay in bed.  I don't want to go to work.  I don't want to talk to people.  I am fighting to keep from spiraling into depression.  I’m tired of my job.  I’m tired of this town. How would you feel?  I'm tired!  I'm tired of just about everything.  I'm tired of people telling me that they know how I feel.  No, you don't.  Even if you've been through infertility treatments, every person has a very different and unique situation.  I had a conversation with a friend one day who told me that she got tired of people saying that they knew how she felt after losing a loved one.  She pointed out that people mean well, but they forget that everyone grieves a different way and everyone's situation is different.  

Please don't stop me in front of other people and start asking me several questions about our situation.  I will start crying.  I am fragile right now.  I don't like crying in front of people. I'm also tired of people telling me to go on vacation, stop thinking about it, get acupuncture, try this and try that.  I'm tired of people telling me how to pray and what to say and if I quote this scripture 100 times a day and tilt my head to the left and do a jig while I pray, God will answer my prayers.  I'm tired of being told how I need to feel, what I need to say, and how I need to approach God. This is between me and God, and we will work it out.  He hears my prayers and your prayers.  He knows my heart.  I don't know why he isn't answering my prayers.  Just like any other Christian faced with a situation like this, I'm trying to be introspective.  Is there unforgiveness in my heart?  Is there sin I haven't repented for?  Are there things in my life that are hindering my prayer life or keeping my prayers from being answered?  I don't know, but I'm trying to figure it out. 

My faith and hope have taken a hit.  When you get bad news after bad news after bad news, yours would be impacted too. I am frustrated with God.  I don't understand.  Don't pretend like you've never had moments like this in your life, moments when you've doubted God, moments when you've been frustrated or angry at God, moments when you've wondered if he even hears you. It's part of being human.  It's part of being a Christian.  I will snap out of it.  I will pray and read his word and gain insight and eventually snap out of my funk like I always do.  

This may seem like a miniscule problem to you.  It may seem like there are so many others things in this world that are far worse, but for me, this is a tragedy.  It is my tragedy.  I have to have a few days to mourn and figure out what to do and pray and seek God's wisdom.  Nikki Giovanni says it best in her remarkable speech after the Virginia Tech shootings: 

"We are sad today and we will be sad for quite a while.

We are not moving on; we are embracing our mourning. 

We are strong enough to stand tall tearlessly; 

We are brave enough to bend to cry 

And sad enough to know we must laugh again.

We do not understand this tragedy. We know we did nothing to deserve it, but neither does the child in Africa dying of AIDS; neither do the invisible children walking the night away to avoid being captured by a rogue army; neither does the baby elephant watching his community be devastated for ivory; neither does the Mexican child looking for fresh water; neither does an Appalachian infant killed in the middle of the night in his crib in the home his father built with his own hands being run over by a boulder because the land was destabilized. No one deserves a tragedy."

I cut some parts out, but I think you get my point in posting it.  “No one deserves a tragedy.”  No one feels like she deserves the struggle she is facing, but horrible things happen to good people every single day.  I will cry and mourn, but there will come a day soon when I will be happy again.  I will move on. 

 The truth is this:  I am about to be thirty-eight next month. I've dreamed of being a mother my entire life and can't envision the lonely existence I would face without children in my life. I have tried for nine years to conceive.  I don't know how I will have children.  Maybe I'll have a biological child of my own, or maybe I won't.   God may perform a miracle and allow us to conceive on our own.  He may give us a child to adopt.  I don't know the answers to how and when this will happen.  I am open to whatever he places before me.  I don't know that IVF is an option for us financially.  With the amount of eggs I produce, we would be looking at $40,000 plus to do that, and my chances would be considerably low from the doctor's perspective.  The cruel truth is that infertility is a billion dollar industry.  Clinics and pharmaceutical companies are more interested in the almighty dollar than giving deserving people children.  If you can pay for it, anything is possible. But, is it worth taking that type of financial risk?  Adopting an infant is $25,000, and we will be on a waiting list for quite some time.  Do we try embryo donation?  It's no different than adopting.  The child isn't biologically yours, but you do get to carry it.  It costs money, but it's still cheaper than adopting...if it works.

I don't know what we will do.  I can't even think about it right now.  We have to finish paying off this loan before we can even do anything else. In the meantime, I will be praying and asking God to show us what we need to do.  Just pray for us.  That’s all I know to say.   

What a Difference a Month Can Make!

What a difference a month can make!  After a very disappointing appointment last month and only two antral follicles, I was hoping things would be much better this month, and they were.  I have seven antral follicles this month, four on one side and three on the other.  Plus, I have my customary cyst.  This one is 3cm, but because I will be on birth control for two weeks at least, it's no big deal.  The birth control will cause it to shrink. The most antral follicles I've ever had was eight, so this is a pretty good number for me. The nurse said it looked good and I should take it and run with it, so I will.

For the next 2-3 weeks, I will be on birth control.  I am on IVF protocol, so I am taking the same drugs as an IVF patient, but I will do IUI instead of IVF.  This treatment will take six weeks.  It does make Christmas a toss up for me.  We knew there was a chance it would impact Christmas, but you just have to do what you have to do.  We spend Christmas in Dothan.  This could postpone when I can leave for Dothan and how early I have to come back, or I may have to make a trip to the satellite office in Montgomery while I'm in Dothan.  We will just have to see. There are so many drugs that I have to take and varying time frames.  They actually make out a calendar for me that tells me what to do.  I will get that in the mail this next week, so then I will have a better idea of what plans I will have to make.

The next step is taking out the dreaded loan.  Richard will handle that this next week.  However, praise God! We have raised well over half  the cost, so there is only a few thousand to pay off.  We hope that we can take a big chunk out with our tax return.  God is good.  He has made a way for us to afford every single fertility treatment. I really don't believe he would provide us with the money if he had no intentions of giving us a child.

We need your prayers.  It's going to be a hectic month.  Pray that I will not be stressed out.  Pray that we are able to work around Christmas and not have to leave Dothan early or Tuscaloosa late. Pray that I have an awesome response to the drugs, and most importantly, pray that it works this time.  I really need it to. Pray for God's wisdom and guidance in what we should do. Also, pray that my skin will stop breaking out.  The concoction of supplements I've been taking for the last year have really messed my skin up.  My face and back look horrible, and it really bothers me, but there is nothing I can do.  I'm sure it's the male hormone they have me taking.  I will be so glad when I can get off this hormonal roller coaster ride. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers.

HOPE

I don't have the answer to all of life's mysteries. I can't explain why children get cancer or why babies in Africa starve to death. I don't know why people die tragic deaths or get Alzheimer's or MS. I don't understand why some people have all the money in the world and are looking for ways to spend it while others just want enough to put food in their mouths. I can NOT understand why some people use abortions as birth control and others starve and murder the children they were blessed with while others would do anything for the chance to have just one child. I don't understand why it is so easy for some and so hard for others, but what I do know is that you are crazy if you think that Christians get a get-out-of-jail-free card. Satan doesn't care who you are. God never promised us a perfect life just because we are his followers. It is quite the contrary. What we do have that separates us from non-believers is HOPE. We don't have to carry the burden of life on our own shoulders. Christ has and will gladly carry it for us. We don't have to fret and worry about what the end result will be, because God's got it all taken care of. He has a perfect plan for each and every one of us. If you'll just sit back and let God do his thing, the same man who created the universe will guide and direct your life on a perfect path. I am certain that God's plan for my life is 1,000 times better than anything I could ever come up with.

I have to remind myself of these things constantly, especially on days like today when things don't go my way. I went back to the doctor today, ready to start the most expensive round of treatments yet. However, we will have to wait another month. My body isn't cooperating this month. Let me give you an Infertility 101 lesson. When you begin a cycle of treatment, the first thing you do is go in for your baseline ultrasound to check for antral follicles. Antral follicles are what produce mature follicles and mature follicles are what produce eggs. Now, not every antral follicle will produce a mature follicle and not every mature follicle will produce a mature egg, so you want as many follicles as possible. The last treatment I did back in July/August, I had eight antrals. Today, I only had two, one on each ovary. That is very, very bad. There is no explanation. I have never had this few. Each month only one ovary ovulates, so you normally see more on one side, but mine just decided that neither wanted to participate. My blood work was fine, as usual. I never have issues with FSH, estradiol, or progesterone, just the follicles.

I'm not upset. If I'm going to spend $7,000 on a treatment, I don't want to do it until everything looks great. They did go ahead and test my AMH levels again. That is the anti-mullerian hormone. It is used to test ovarian reserve. They have tested mine before, but it's been about two years since the last test. My results were not good last time. They like for women to have .7 to 1.0. Mine was .40/.45. That is considered low. We have been aware of that for a while. The doctors say I have low ovarian reserve, which means I don't have a lot of eggs left, but that doesn't mean I can't conceive. They checked again to see if it's dropped anymore. If it gets below .3, then we have a problem. They didn't have those results when they called me back today. If it hasn't dropped much, then we will just go back next month and try again.

It is what it is. There is nothing I can do about it. Women are born with how many eggs they are going to have. I can't change that. Only God can do that. I will keep trying until they tell me they can't do anything else for me. If they tell me that my AMH has dropped to below .3, then we will have to look at adoption or embryo donation or egg donation, all of which are expensive, but like I said before, God's got this, so I'm going to sit back and follow his lead.

Just continue to keep us in your prayers. I don't even know what to specifically ask you to pray for. Thank you for your love and support.

It's All About the Benjamins

We've been quiet lately. After our last meeting with the doctor, the nurse practitioner told us that there was no rush and that we should get our finances squared away first, so that is what we have been doing. We checked prices with the pharmacies. The best price we got was a little over $5,800 with a $600 rebate.  Medicine is definitely not cheap. The entire process will cost around $6,500-$7,000. We've also been checking on interest rates for loans. I'm here to tell you that interest rates are not good for personal loans right now, even with stellar credit like ours.

We brought home a pamphlet from the doctor's office that was for a loan program especially for infertility patients. It had extremely low interest rates. We had contacted them and gotten information and planned to use them. Richard called back this week and found out that they only give loans for actual procedures and not medication, which they conveniently left out the first time we spoke with them. That was a bummer. Now we have to use our bank, which has much higher interest rates, but it's all okay. We are just going to try and make larger payments and get it paid off sooner.

We will start the next treatment around the first week in November. This will be a very long and drawn out process and will take six weeks, if not longer, to complete. I will start off with 2-3 weeks of birth control pills and blood work monitoring my hormone levels. After that, I will start an extensive regimen of extremely expensive drugs. I will take the full regimen of IVF drugs to find out how well my body responds.

We are looking at a few possibilities. 1. Maybe God will work a miracle and I'll be pregnant when I go back to the doctor and never have to do the treatment. 2. The treatment will work, and I will get pregnant this time. 3. I will respond well to the treatment but not achieve pregnancy, which means we will have to take out a loan for IVF. 4. I may not respond well at all, and we will have to adopt because IVF won't be an option. This is where we are, and no matter what, we will get some answers.

We appreciate your prayers and concern. We have been battling infertility for almost ten years now. We are ready for this battle to end. God has a plan. He is in control. Our faith has definitely been tested, but we know that we have to keep fighting the good fight. He has blessed us so many times throughout this journey, and no matter what happens, we are still going to praise him. God is so good.  He is our Jehovah Rapha and Jehovah Jireh.

Here is the link to our fundraising site for those who would like to contribute:  http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/our-journey-to-parenthood/50742.

Thanks!

Money, Money, Money

Well, the search has begun. We are checking prices with pharmacies who specialize in fertility drugs. We can't take out a loan until we know how much to take out.  We got our first quote today. Pharmacy  #1 quoted us a price of $5,880. Add in everything else, and we are looking at about $7,200. That particular pharmacy has a program where you can fill out an application to try and qualify for help with the cost of your drugs.  We've tried before with a pharmaceutical company but were told we made too much money. This particular application asks for a letter of hardship. That made us feel a little better because we could explain our situation. Anyway, it would be nice to qualify for assistance. Richard will be calling pharmacy #2 tomorrow for a price quote.  After we get some final numbers, we can start shopping loan rates.

I don't really know how we are going to do this, but I know it will all work out. I've stopped expecting others to give/donate. There have been many who have helped us, but the money has stopped coming in. I'm thankful for the ones who have helped. We realize that we are on our own. It has taught me a lesson though. I used to be one of those who would see someone trying to raise money or see someone in need and ignore it or think that I didn't have a substantial amount to give so there was no point in giving. Now I realize that every little bit helps. We don't have a lot to give right now, but we've decided to help others and give whatever we can. We just want to bless others the way that we've been blessed. The money will come. God will make a way like he always has.

So how can you pray for us? Well, first pray for Godly wisdom so that we will make the right decisions. Then you can pray for God to remove stress from our lives. The fall is always a very stressful time for me at school, and I really don't need that right now. Pray that either pharmacy #2 will be substantially cheaper or we will qualify for pharmacy #1's program. Pray for a really good interest rate on a loan. Pray that this procedure works so we won't have to take out a loan for IVF right after we finish. There are so many things to pray for. If this doesn't work and the doctor tells me that IVF isn't an option, I will be devastated, but I will have closure. I don't need a doctor to get pregnant. I know the great physician.  At least I will know that I don't  need to spend anymore time or money at the fertility clinic. If all of this is just too much to pray for, just be like my mom and pray that I will be pregnant by the time I go back to the doctor. Wouldn't that be nice! I love a good miracle.

Thanks again for your love and support.

Shatisa

The Beginning of the End

Where to begin!?! Well, we met with our doctor today. This is our first meeting since the last failed IUI. I have been praying that God would give our doctor wisdom and that we would get guidance from him as to what we should do next. We talked about the IUI and how I didn't have a lot of follicles but great estradiol numbers. He said what he's said many times, that I just am not producing the amount of eggs I should with the high dosage of medicine I'm on.

So what's next? He asked us what we were thinking about doing, and we told him that we thought we would try one last IUI, and if it doesn't work, we will do IVF.  He said that he thought that was a great plan. We went into this meeting knowing that another IUI would be expensive, because I'm completely out of meds, but we thought that it would be manageable since another friend had offered me a little leftover medicine that might help reduce the cost a bit. However, that was not the case. I won't be using her donated meds.

Our doctor said that he wants to put me on the full regimen of IVF meds for this IUI. It's really a great plan. He said by doing this we can figure out how my body will respond to the meds and if IVF would even be an option for us. So if I don't respond well, we know not to waste our money on IVF, which could save us $20,000 in the long run. The only problem is that these drugs are ridiculously expensive. The drugs alone will be between $5,000-$7,000. That's not counting appointments and the actual IUI. Needless to say, I'm overwhelmed.

The financial side of it is hard to stomach. Do you take out a loan? Do you charge some of it? It's enough to make your head spin. We have to call pharmaceutical companies to see who can give us the cheapest price since our insurance pays nothing. Then we have to check on interest rates and loan programs. I don't want to take out a loan if we may have to turn around and take out another loan for $20,000 for IVF. I just want to scream.

Once again, we discussed the unknown, not knowing if I'm really producing good quality eggs and having no way of truly knowing until we do IVF, but IVF is a $20,000 diagnostic tool. Who can afford that? But he did talk about those risks with us, if I do respond well and have to actually do IVF. He said that we could spend that money and not produce enough embryos when it's all said and done, but at least we will have closure. If I don't have good eggs, he said we then had to decide if we wanted to use donor eggs, donor embryos, or adopt.  Those are all things I can't even wrap my brain around right now.

How do I feel? Numb! I've been doing this so long that I just feel numb, and the rainy weather, death of Robin Williams, genocide of Christians, war in Gaza, and ten thousand other horrible things I see on the news only add to the numbness and sadness I feel. Do I trust God? Totally! But it doesn't mean that the devil doesn't attack me on a daily basis. I know God will provide a way, but it doesn't mean that my brain isn't moving a hundred miles an hour trying desperately to process all of this information. I still have moments when I am fighting fear and depression. I have faith that God has a plan for us, and I still know without a doubt that we will be parents. It's not a lack of faith to be concerned with whether or not you are making the right decisions, following God's plan.

So here we are. We are about to drop some serious cash that we don't have, but we are just trusting that God will provide a way for us to pay it. If I respond well to the meds but the IUI doesn't work, we will take out a loan for $20,000 and try IVF. If IVF doesn't work, we will adopt. The one good thing is that we have plenty of time to adopt. The clock isn't ticking when it comes to adoption, and this next route will give us some definite answers and help us to know if we should close a door and walk away from it.

We still need your prayers. We still need donations.  Here is our link to our fundraising site: http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/our-journey-to-parenthood/50742. Feel free to share it on your Facebook page or Twitter. Thank you to all of you who have texted, emailed, and messaged me on Facebook. I appreciate your support, kind words, and donations.

Love,
Shatisa

The Scarlet I

I always sit down at the computer and write a blog when I have significant news to share from a doctor’s appointment.  It may be hard for others to understand why I write such personal things in these blogs and share them with everyone.  I think it’s because it’s a type of catharsis for me.  I can get all of my emotions out and off my chest.  It’s a coping mechanism in some ways. So, here I am at approximately 6:30 staring at my computer with a red face full of tears because the doctor’s office called me at 4:53 to say that I am not pregnant…again.  I went in at 9:00 this morning for my blood work, but because of the wreck on the interstate, it took all day to get my results.

I had such high hopes this time.  So many people were praying for us.  I just knew it was perfect timing, but I was wrong.

Sometimes I feel like I have a scarlet I tattooed on my chest. You may not see it, but it’s there.  I’m the infertile girl, the one who is constantly trying to convince herself that she isn’t broken. Some people avoid conversations with me.  Some people look at me with pity in their eyes.  Some people try to avoid that topic and pretend like it doesn’t exist.  Some people want to talk about it each time they see me, in grocery store lines and at the mall, random places.  

These days I feel like I have no identity.  There are lots of women who have chosen not to have children and others who never married and had to let that dream fade away.  I am not trying to belittle them in any way.  But, I have no identity.  Children give you purpose.  You become mother and friend.  You become the ballpark mom who hangs out with the other ballpark moms.  All of your friends have children, and your children hang out with each other.  You belong to this close knit circle of friends, the mom club.  It’s such a big deal to people.  The minute you get married people begin asking you when you are going to have children, and it never ends.  All your friends get married and begin having children, but you don’t.  Like I’ve said before, we just don’t fit in.  There is no social circle for us.  I don’t want to be childless.  I don’t want it to just be me and Richard.

For some women, living a childless life is a choice they’ve made, but I can’t do that.  I’ve had two dreams my whole life.  At the age of fifteen I felt like my calling was to become a singer, a contemporary Christian artist. I dreamed for years of being a singer, but now I’m too old.  I realize that dream is beginning to fade away, and I’ve had to let go of that.  And just like many other girls, I began dreaming at a very young age of being a mother some day. That was all I ever wanted.  I dreamed of falling in love and marrying and having precious children.  That was one reason why I didn’t pursue my master’s and doctorate in music.  I didn’t want to move away and be in school forever.  I wanted to get married and start a family.  I will not, I can not let this dream fade away as well.   

Last week, around the 6^th day after the IUI, I started spotting.  It happens every single time.  I was devastated.  I just knew I wasn’t pregnant.  I cried all night.  I couldn’t sleep, and I stayed up most of the night talking to God.  The next day I went over to a friend’s house to swim.  I normally don’t talk to anyone about what’s going on until after my pregnancy test, but for some reason I started talking to my friend about how I didn’t think I was pregnant.  We had a long talk that day.  I was feeling discouraged and wondering if it was time to throw in the towel.  I talked about how many times we have tried and how many years we’ve been doing this.  My friend told me that she didn’t think it was time for me to give up, and we talked about some of the options.  That night, I lay in bed thinking about our options and what we should do.  The next morning, I woke up to a text from another friend.  Now, keep in mind that I haven’t discussed any of my frustrations with her.  I haven’t talked to her in a month, but out of the blue she sent me this text:

 

                        “So I went to a worship concert with Kari Jobe and Christine Cane,

                          and it was just heaven and spirit filled. Well, they talked about

                          how Joshua walked around the walls with these people for 6 days.

                          They never saw progress.  They never saw a brick fall.  They never

                          saw a crack come in them, but yet they NEVER gave up.  They didn’t

                          quit.  They didn’t stop at lap 1 or 4 or 5 or even 6.  But then day 7 comes,

                          and with all their trust, with all their faith, with all their strength, they

                          went around again like the Lord said, and then it happened.  They fell.

                          The promise was there.  They gained the land that the Lord had promised

                          them. And I just felt the Lord telling me to say to you that you can not

                          give up.  You may not see progress.  You may not even see a hint of light

                          in your situation, but the Lord is bigger, stronger, faithful in all things, so

                          don’t give up. You never know when that last lap is. You’re so close.

 

                          Also, Christine got a word from the Lord about women who can’t have

                          babies, and she prayed for the promise to come.  This was after the Lord

                          had already put you on my heart.  So she made them stand and she

                          prayed over them.  I stood in your place.  Hold on to hope. It’s coming.”

 

What do you think about that?  Did it give you chills?  It gave me chills.  I woke up that Friday morning and picked my phone up like I do every morning and that text was on it.  She had no idea what I had been dealing with, no idea what I was contemplating, no idea I was considering giving up, and she wrote that.  I don’t know about you, but I believe God is trying to tell me something. 

 

No, I am not pregnant.  I’ve had to come to terms with that.  Yes, I have done eight IUI’s over a seven-year period, and they have all failed.  Yes, I am getting older and am running out of money and time, but I still don’t think God is ready for me to throw in the towel.  I’m not going to lie to you and say that after reading that text I just started smiling and being happy for the rest of the week.  I have wrestled with frustration and questioned God.  I have cried.  I have held on to hope that maybe I was pregnant.  It’s because we are about to deal with the greatest burden we’ve had to deal with.   

We meet with the doctor on August 12^th.  Richard and I have decided that we want to try one more IUI.  It will be very costly since we have no medicines left.  We are looking at around $5,000 for that treatment, but that is still a little more manageable than the alternatives.  This will be the last IUI we do.  If it doesn’t work, we will do IVF.  I have no idea how we will afford it.  On average, it costs between $15,000-$20,000 for one cycle.  For some people it is a little cheaper, but my insurance is maxed out on meds, and we will have to pay for those on our own.  Most people I know have had to do at least three cycles.  There is no way we can do that unless a miracle happens, so Richard and I have decided to do the IUI and then take out a loan for IVF.  If IVF doesn’t work, we will pay that loan off and then adopt.  Adoption on an infant in the states through an adoption agency is $25,000.   Of course, all of this is contingent upon what our doctor says, but he told me in our last meeting that we could do another IUI. As you can imagine, we feel like we have the weight of the world on our shoulders.  Trying to figure out how to pay for all of this is very stressful, but if God doesn’t want me to give up, then he will make a way when there seems to be no way.  This is not the road I wanted to take, but God has a different plan.   

 

Here is a little analogy that might put it into perspective for you.  Imagine being told that you have a terminal disease and only have a couple of years left to live. The clock is ticking.  Then imagine the doctor telling you that there is a medicine that could possibly save your life but there are no promises or guarantees, but your insurance will not cover it and the costs are astronomical.  That may be a poor analogy, but it's the best I can come up with.  You would do whatever you had to do to save your life, but you would worry about the financial burden, possibility of losing your home and saddling you and your family with debt.  Though we aren't faced with death.  The clock is ticking, and a possibility is within our reach.

As always, we need prayers.  If you have fundraising ideas, send them our way, or if you just feel like getting rid of any excess cash you have, we’ll be glad to take it off your hands.  We are trusting God and expecting a miracle, but everyday is a trial.  And, learning to trust God completely is no easy task.  Fear and anxiety creep in from time to time. Thanks again for your love and support.  We appreciate it.