What a difference a month can make! After a very disappointing appointment last month and only two antral follicles, I was hoping things would be much better this month, and they were. I have seven antral follicles this month, four on one side and three on the other. Plus, I have my customary cyst. This one is 3cm, but because I will be on birth control for two weeks at least, it's no big deal. The birth control will cause it to shrink. The most antral follicles I've ever had was eight, so this is a pretty good number for me. The nurse said it looked good and I should take it and run with it, so I will.
For the next 2-3 weeks, I will be on birth control. I am on IVF protocol, so I am taking the same drugs as an IVF patient, but I will do IUI instead of IVF. This treatment will take six weeks. It does make Christmas a toss up for me. We knew there was a chance it would impact Christmas, but you just have to do what you have to do. We spend Christmas in Dothan. This could postpone when I can leave for Dothan and how early I have to come back, or I may have to make a trip to the satellite office in Montgomery while I'm in Dothan. We will just have to see. There are so many drugs that I have to take and varying time frames. They actually make out a calendar for me that tells me what to do. I will get that in the mail this next week, so then I will have a better idea of what plans I will have to make.
The next step is taking out the dreaded loan. Richard will handle that this next week. However, praise God! We have raised well over half the cost, so there is only a few thousand to pay off. We hope that we can take a big chunk out with our tax return. God is good. He has made a way for us to afford every single fertility treatment. I really don't believe he would provide us with the money if he had no intentions of giving us a child.
We need your prayers. It's going to be a hectic month. Pray that I will not be stressed out. Pray that we are able to work around Christmas and not have to leave Dothan early or Tuscaloosa late. Pray that I have an awesome response to the drugs, and most importantly, pray that it works this time. I really need it to. Pray for God's wisdom and guidance in what we should do. Also, pray that my skin will stop breaking out. The concoction of supplements I've been taking for the last year have really messed my skin up. My face and back look horrible, and it really bothers me, but there is nothing I can do. I'm sure it's the male hormone they have me taking. I will be so glad when I can get off this hormonal roller coaster ride. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers.
Friday, December 5, 2014
Monday, November 3, 2014
HOPE
I don't have the answer to all of life's mysteries. I can't explain why children get cancer or why babies in Africa starve to death. I don't know why people die tragic deaths or get Alzheimer's or MS. I don't understand why some people have all the money in the world and are looking for ways to spend it while others just want enough to put food in their mouths. I can NOT understand why some people use abortions as birth control and others starve and murder the children they were blessed with while others would do anything for the chance to have just one child. I don't understand why it is so easy for some and so hard for others, but what I do know is that you are crazy if you think that Christians get a get-out-of-jail-free card. Satan doesn't care who you are. God never promised us a perfect life just because we are his followers. It is quite the contrary. What we do have that separates us from non-believers is HOPE. We don't have to carry the burden of life on our own shoulders. Christ has and will gladly carry it for us. We don't have to fret and worry about what the end result will be, because God's got it all taken care of. He has a perfect plan for each and every one of us. If you'll just sit back and let God do his thing, the same man who created the universe will guide and direct your life on a perfect path. I am certain that God's plan for my life is 1,000 times better than anything I could ever come up with.
I have to remind myself of these things constantly, especially on days like today when things don't go my way. I went back to the doctor today, ready to start the most expensive round of treatments yet. However, we will have to wait another month. My body isn't cooperating this month. Let me give you an Infertility 101 lesson. When you begin a cycle of treatment, the first thing you do is go in for your baseline ultrasound to check for antral follicles. Antral follicles are what produce mature follicles and mature follicles are what produce eggs. Now, not every antral follicle will produce a mature follicle and not every mature follicle will produce a mature egg, so you want as many follicles as possible. The last treatment I did back in July/August, I had eight antrals. Today, I only had two, one on each ovary. That is very, very bad. There is no explanation. I have never had this few. Each month only one ovary ovulates, so you normally see more on one side, but mine just decided that neither wanted to participate. My blood work was fine, as usual. I never have issues with FSH, estradiol, or progesterone, just the follicles.
I'm not upset. If I'm going to spend $7,000 on a treatment, I don't want to do it until everything looks great. They did go ahead and test my AMH levels again. That is the anti-mullerian hormone. It is used to test ovarian reserve. They have tested mine before, but it's been about two years since the last test. My results were not good last time. They like for women to have .7 to 1.0. Mine was .40/.45. That is considered low. We have been aware of that for a while. The doctors say I have low ovarian reserve, which means I don't have a lot of eggs left, but that doesn't mean I can't conceive. They checked again to see if it's dropped anymore. If it gets below .3, then we have a problem. They didn't have those results when they called me back today. If it hasn't dropped much, then we will just go back next month and try again.
It is what it is. There is nothing I can do about it. Women are born with how many eggs they are going to have. I can't change that. Only God can do that. I will keep trying until they tell me they can't do anything else for me. If they tell me that my AMH has dropped to below .3, then we will have to look at adoption or embryo donation or egg donation, all of which are expensive, but like I said before, God's got this, so I'm going to sit back and follow his lead.
Just continue to keep us in your prayers. I don't even know what to specifically ask you to pray for. Thank you for your love and support.
I have to remind myself of these things constantly, especially on days like today when things don't go my way. I went back to the doctor today, ready to start the most expensive round of treatments yet. However, we will have to wait another month. My body isn't cooperating this month. Let me give you an Infertility 101 lesson. When you begin a cycle of treatment, the first thing you do is go in for your baseline ultrasound to check for antral follicles. Antral follicles are what produce mature follicles and mature follicles are what produce eggs. Now, not every antral follicle will produce a mature follicle and not every mature follicle will produce a mature egg, so you want as many follicles as possible. The last treatment I did back in July/August, I had eight antrals. Today, I only had two, one on each ovary. That is very, very bad. There is no explanation. I have never had this few. Each month only one ovary ovulates, so you normally see more on one side, but mine just decided that neither wanted to participate. My blood work was fine, as usual. I never have issues with FSH, estradiol, or progesterone, just the follicles.
I'm not upset. If I'm going to spend $7,000 on a treatment, I don't want to do it until everything looks great. They did go ahead and test my AMH levels again. That is the anti-mullerian hormone. It is used to test ovarian reserve. They have tested mine before, but it's been about two years since the last test. My results were not good last time. They like for women to have .7 to 1.0. Mine was .40/.45. That is considered low. We have been aware of that for a while. The doctors say I have low ovarian reserve, which means I don't have a lot of eggs left, but that doesn't mean I can't conceive. They checked again to see if it's dropped anymore. If it gets below .3, then we have a problem. They didn't have those results when they called me back today. If it hasn't dropped much, then we will just go back next month and try again.
It is what it is. There is nothing I can do about it. Women are born with how many eggs they are going to have. I can't change that. Only God can do that. I will keep trying until they tell me they can't do anything else for me. If they tell me that my AMH has dropped to below .3, then we will have to look at adoption or embryo donation or egg donation, all of which are expensive, but like I said before, God's got this, so I'm going to sit back and follow his lead.
Just continue to keep us in your prayers. I don't even know what to specifically ask you to pray for. Thank you for your love and support.
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
It's All About the Benjamins
We've been quiet lately. After our last meeting with the doctor, the nurse practitioner told us that there was no rush and that we should get our finances squared away first, so that is what we have been doing. We checked prices with the pharmacies. The best price we got was a little over $5,800 with a $600 rebate. Medicine is definitely not cheap. The entire process will cost around $6,500-$7,000. We've also been checking on interest rates for loans. I'm here to tell you that interest rates are not good for personal loans right now, even with stellar credit like ours.
We brought home a pamphlet from the doctor's office that was for a loan program especially for infertility patients. It had extremely low interest rates. We had contacted them and gotten information and planned to use them. Richard called back this week and found out that they only give loans for actual procedures and not medication, which they conveniently left out the first time we spoke with them. That was a bummer. Now we have to use our bank, which has much higher interest rates, but it's all okay. We are just going to try and make larger payments and get it paid off sooner.
We will start the next treatment around the first week in November. This will be a very long and drawn out process and will take six weeks, if not longer, to complete. I will start off with 2-3 weeks of birth control pills and blood work monitoring my hormone levels. After that, I will start an extensive regimen of extremely expensive drugs. I will take the full regimen of IVF drugs to find out how well my body responds.
We are looking at a few possibilities. 1. Maybe God will work a miracle and I'll be pregnant when I go back to the doctor and never have to do the treatment. 2. The treatment will work, and I will get pregnant this time. 3. I will respond well to the treatment but not achieve pregnancy, which means we will have to take out a loan for IVF. 4. I may not respond well at all, and we will have to adopt because IVF won't be an option. This is where we are, and no matter what, we will get some answers.
We appreciate your prayers and concern. We have been battling infertility for almost ten years now. We are ready for this battle to end. God has a plan. He is in control. Our faith has definitely been tested, but we know that we have to keep fighting the good fight. He has blessed us so many times throughout this journey, and no matter what happens, we are still going to praise him. God is so good. He is our Jehovah Rapha and Jehovah Jireh.
Here is the link to our fundraising site for those who would like to contribute: http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/our-journey-to-parenthood/50742.
Thanks!
We brought home a pamphlet from the doctor's office that was for a loan program especially for infertility patients. It had extremely low interest rates. We had contacted them and gotten information and planned to use them. Richard called back this week and found out that they only give loans for actual procedures and not medication, which they conveniently left out the first time we spoke with them. That was a bummer. Now we have to use our bank, which has much higher interest rates, but it's all okay. We are just going to try and make larger payments and get it paid off sooner.
We will start the next treatment around the first week in November. This will be a very long and drawn out process and will take six weeks, if not longer, to complete. I will start off with 2-3 weeks of birth control pills and blood work monitoring my hormone levels. After that, I will start an extensive regimen of extremely expensive drugs. I will take the full regimen of IVF drugs to find out how well my body responds.
We are looking at a few possibilities. 1. Maybe God will work a miracle and I'll be pregnant when I go back to the doctor and never have to do the treatment. 2. The treatment will work, and I will get pregnant this time. 3. I will respond well to the treatment but not achieve pregnancy, which means we will have to take out a loan for IVF. 4. I may not respond well at all, and we will have to adopt because IVF won't be an option. This is where we are, and no matter what, we will get some answers.
We appreciate your prayers and concern. We have been battling infertility for almost ten years now. We are ready for this battle to end. God has a plan. He is in control. Our faith has definitely been tested, but we know that we have to keep fighting the good fight. He has blessed us so many times throughout this journey, and no matter what happens, we are still going to praise him. God is so good. He is our Jehovah Rapha and Jehovah Jireh.
Here is the link to our fundraising site for those who would like to contribute: http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/our-journey-to-parenthood/50742.
Thanks!
Monday, August 25, 2014
Money, Money, Money
Well, the search has begun. We are checking prices with pharmacies who specialize in fertility drugs. We can't take out a loan until we know how much to take out. We got our first quote today. Pharmacy #1 quoted us a price of $5,880. Add in everything else, and we are looking at about $7,200. That particular pharmacy has a program where you can fill out an application to try and qualify for help with the cost of your drugs. We've tried before with a pharmaceutical company but were told we made too much money. This particular application asks for a letter of hardship. That made us feel a little better because we could explain our situation. Anyway, it would be nice to qualify for assistance. Richard will be calling pharmacy #2 tomorrow for a price quote. After we get some final numbers, we can start shopping loan rates.
I don't really know how we are going to do this, but I know it will all work out. I've stopped expecting others to give/donate. There have been many who have helped us, but the money has stopped coming in. I'm thankful for the ones who have helped. We realize that we are on our own. It has taught me a lesson though. I used to be one of those who would see someone trying to raise money or see someone in need and ignore it or think that I didn't have a substantial amount to give so there was no point in giving. Now I realize that every little bit helps. We don't have a lot to give right now, but we've decided to help others and give whatever we can. We just want to bless others the way that we've been blessed. The money will come. God will make a way like he always has.
So how can you pray for us? Well, first pray for Godly wisdom so that we will make the right decisions. Then you can pray for God to remove stress from our lives. The fall is always a very stressful time for me at school, and I really don't need that right now. Pray that either pharmacy #2 will be substantially cheaper or we will qualify for pharmacy #1's program. Pray for a really good interest rate on a loan. Pray that this procedure works so we won't have to take out a loan for IVF right after we finish. There are so many things to pray for. If this doesn't work and the doctor tells me that IVF isn't an option, I will be devastated, but I will have closure. I don't need a doctor to get pregnant. I know the great physician. At least I will know that I don't need to spend anymore time or money at the fertility clinic. If all of this is just too much to pray for, just be like my mom and pray that I will be pregnant by the time I go back to the doctor. Wouldn't that be nice! I love a good miracle.
Thanks again for your love and support.
Shatisa
I don't really know how we are going to do this, but I know it will all work out. I've stopped expecting others to give/donate. There have been many who have helped us, but the money has stopped coming in. I'm thankful for the ones who have helped. We realize that we are on our own. It has taught me a lesson though. I used to be one of those who would see someone trying to raise money or see someone in need and ignore it or think that I didn't have a substantial amount to give so there was no point in giving. Now I realize that every little bit helps. We don't have a lot to give right now, but we've decided to help others and give whatever we can. We just want to bless others the way that we've been blessed. The money will come. God will make a way like he always has.
So how can you pray for us? Well, first pray for Godly wisdom so that we will make the right decisions. Then you can pray for God to remove stress from our lives. The fall is always a very stressful time for me at school, and I really don't need that right now. Pray that either pharmacy #2 will be substantially cheaper or we will qualify for pharmacy #1's program. Pray for a really good interest rate on a loan. Pray that this procedure works so we won't have to take out a loan for IVF right after we finish. There are so many things to pray for. If this doesn't work and the doctor tells me that IVF isn't an option, I will be devastated, but I will have closure. I don't need a doctor to get pregnant. I know the great physician. At least I will know that I don't need to spend anymore time or money at the fertility clinic. If all of this is just too much to pray for, just be like my mom and pray that I will be pregnant by the time I go back to the doctor. Wouldn't that be nice! I love a good miracle.
Thanks again for your love and support.
Shatisa
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
The Beginning of the End
Where to begin!?! Well, we met with our doctor today. This is our first meeting since the last failed IUI. I have been praying that God would give our doctor wisdom and that we would get guidance from him as to what we should do next. We talked about the IUI and how I didn't have a lot of follicles but great estradiol numbers. He said what he's said many times, that I just am not producing the amount of eggs I should with the high dosage of medicine I'm on.
So what's next? He asked us what we were thinking about doing, and we told him that we thought we would try one last IUI, and if it doesn't work, we will do IVF. He said that he thought that was a great plan. We went into this meeting knowing that another IUI would be expensive, because I'm completely out of meds, but we thought that it would be manageable since another friend had offered me a little leftover medicine that might help reduce the cost a bit. However, that was not the case. I won't be using her donated meds.
Our doctor said that he wants to put me on the full regimen of IVF meds for this IUI. It's really a great plan. He said by doing this we can figure out how my body will respond to the meds and if IVF would even be an option for us. So if I don't respond well, we know not to waste our money on IVF, which could save us $20,000 in the long run. The only problem is that these drugs are ridiculously expensive. The drugs alone will be between $5,000-$7,000. That's not counting appointments and the actual IUI. Needless to say, I'm overwhelmed.
The financial side of it is hard to stomach. Do you take out a loan? Do you charge some of it? It's enough to make your head spin. We have to call pharmaceutical companies to see who can give us the cheapest price since our insurance pays nothing. Then we have to check on interest rates and loan programs. I don't want to take out a loan if we may have to turn around and take out another loan for $20,000 for IVF. I just want to scream.
Once again, we discussed the unknown, not knowing if I'm really producing good quality eggs and having no way of truly knowing until we do IVF, but IVF is a $20,000 diagnostic tool. Who can afford that? But he did talk about those risks with us, if I do respond well and have to actually do IVF. He said that we could spend that money and not produce enough embryos when it's all said and done, but at least we will have closure. If I don't have good eggs, he said we then had to decide if we wanted to use donor eggs, donor embryos, or adopt. Those are all things I can't even wrap my brain around right now.
How do I feel? Numb! I've been doing this so long that I just feel numb, and the rainy weather, death of Robin Williams, genocide of Christians, war in Gaza, and ten thousand other horrible things I see on the news only add to the numbness and sadness I feel. Do I trust God? Totally! But it doesn't mean that the devil doesn't attack me on a daily basis. I know God will provide a way, but it doesn't mean that my brain isn't moving a hundred miles an hour trying desperately to process all of this information. I still have moments when I am fighting fear and depression. I have faith that God has a plan for us, and I still know without a doubt that we will be parents. It's not a lack of faith to be concerned with whether or not you are making the right decisions, following God's plan.
So here we are. We are about to drop some serious cash that we don't have, but we are just trusting that God will provide a way for us to pay it. If I respond well to the meds but the IUI doesn't work, we will take out a loan for $20,000 and try IVF. If IVF doesn't work, we will adopt. The one good thing is that we have plenty of time to adopt. The clock isn't ticking when it comes to adoption, and this next route will give us some definite answers and help us to know if we should close a door and walk away from it.
We still need your prayers. We still need donations. Here is our link to our fundraising site: http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/our-journey-to-parenthood/50742. Feel free to share it on your Facebook page or Twitter. Thank you to all of you who have texted, emailed, and messaged me on Facebook. I appreciate your support, kind words, and donations.
Love,
Shatisa
So what's next? He asked us what we were thinking about doing, and we told him that we thought we would try one last IUI, and if it doesn't work, we will do IVF. He said that he thought that was a great plan. We went into this meeting knowing that another IUI would be expensive, because I'm completely out of meds, but we thought that it would be manageable since another friend had offered me a little leftover medicine that might help reduce the cost a bit. However, that was not the case. I won't be using her donated meds.
Our doctor said that he wants to put me on the full regimen of IVF meds for this IUI. It's really a great plan. He said by doing this we can figure out how my body will respond to the meds and if IVF would even be an option for us. So if I don't respond well, we know not to waste our money on IVF, which could save us $20,000 in the long run. The only problem is that these drugs are ridiculously expensive. The drugs alone will be between $5,000-$7,000. That's not counting appointments and the actual IUI. Needless to say, I'm overwhelmed.
The financial side of it is hard to stomach. Do you take out a loan? Do you charge some of it? It's enough to make your head spin. We have to call pharmaceutical companies to see who can give us the cheapest price since our insurance pays nothing. Then we have to check on interest rates and loan programs. I don't want to take out a loan if we may have to turn around and take out another loan for $20,000 for IVF. I just want to scream.
Once again, we discussed the unknown, not knowing if I'm really producing good quality eggs and having no way of truly knowing until we do IVF, but IVF is a $20,000 diagnostic tool. Who can afford that? But he did talk about those risks with us, if I do respond well and have to actually do IVF. He said that we could spend that money and not produce enough embryos when it's all said and done, but at least we will have closure. If I don't have good eggs, he said we then had to decide if we wanted to use donor eggs, donor embryos, or adopt. Those are all things I can't even wrap my brain around right now.
How do I feel? Numb! I've been doing this so long that I just feel numb, and the rainy weather, death of Robin Williams, genocide of Christians, war in Gaza, and ten thousand other horrible things I see on the news only add to the numbness and sadness I feel. Do I trust God? Totally! But it doesn't mean that the devil doesn't attack me on a daily basis. I know God will provide a way, but it doesn't mean that my brain isn't moving a hundred miles an hour trying desperately to process all of this information. I still have moments when I am fighting fear and depression. I have faith that God has a plan for us, and I still know without a doubt that we will be parents. It's not a lack of faith to be concerned with whether or not you are making the right decisions, following God's plan.
So here we are. We are about to drop some serious cash that we don't have, but we are just trusting that God will provide a way for us to pay it. If I respond well to the meds but the IUI doesn't work, we will take out a loan for $20,000 and try IVF. If IVF doesn't work, we will adopt. The one good thing is that we have plenty of time to adopt. The clock isn't ticking when it comes to adoption, and this next route will give us some definite answers and help us to know if we should close a door and walk away from it.
We still need your prayers. We still need donations. Here is our link to our fundraising site: http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/our-journey-to-parenthood/50742. Feel free to share it on your Facebook page or Twitter. Thank you to all of you who have texted, emailed, and messaged me on Facebook. I appreciate your support, kind words, and donations.
Love,
Shatisa
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
The Scarlet I
I always sit down at the computer and write a blog when I
have significant news to share from a doctor’s appointment. It may be hard for others to understand why I
write such personal things in these blogs and share them with everyone. I think it’s because it’s a type of catharsis
for me. I can get all of my emotions out
and off my chest. It’s a coping
mechanism in some ways. So, here I am at approximately 6:30 staring at my computer
with a red face full of tears because the doctor’s office called me at 4:53 to
say that I am not pregnant…again. I went
in at 9:00 this morning for my blood work, but because of the wreck on the
interstate, it took all day to get my results.
I had such high hopes this time. So many people were praying for us. I just knew it was perfect timing, but I was
wrong.
Sometimes I feel like I have a scarlet I tattooed on my
chest. You may not see it, but it’s there. I’m the infertile girl, the one who is
constantly trying to convince herself that she isn’t broken. Some people avoid
conversations with me. Some people look
at me with pity in their eyes. Some
people try to avoid that topic and pretend like it doesn’t exist. Some people want to talk about it each time
they see me, in grocery store lines and at the mall, random places.
These days I feel like I have no identity. There are lots of women who have chosen not
to have children and others who never married and had to let that dream fade
away. I am not trying to belittle them
in any way. But, I have no
identity. Children give you
purpose. You become mother and
friend. You become the ballpark mom who
hangs out with the other ballpark moms.
All of your friends have children, and your children hang out with each
other. You belong to this close knit
circle of friends, the mom club. It’s
such a big deal to people. The minute
you get married people begin asking you when you are going to have children,
and it never ends. All your friends get
married and begin having children, but you don’t. Like I’ve said before, we just don’t fit
in. There is no social circle for us. I don’t want to be childless. I don’t want it to just be me and Richard.
For some women, living a childless life is a choice they’ve
made, but I can’t do that. I’ve had two
dreams my whole life. At the age of
fifteen I felt like my calling was to become a singer, a contemporary Christian
artist. I dreamed for years of being a singer, but now I’m too old. I realize that dream is beginning to fade
away, and I’ve had to let go of that.
And just like many other girls, I began dreaming at a very young age of
being a mother some day. That was all I ever wanted. I dreamed of falling in love and marrying and
having precious children. That was one
reason why I didn’t pursue my master’s and doctorate in music. I didn’t want to move away and be in school
forever. I wanted to get married and
start a family. I will not, I can not
let this dream fade away as well.
Last week, around the 6th day after the IUI, I
started spotting. It happens every
single time. I was devastated. I just knew I wasn’t pregnant. I cried all night. I couldn’t sleep, and I stayed up most of the
night talking to God. The next day I
went over to a friend’s house to swim. I
normally don’t talk to anyone about what’s going on until after my pregnancy
test, but for some reason I started talking to my friend about how I didn’t
think I was pregnant. We had a long talk
that day. I was feeling discouraged and
wondering if it was time to throw in the towel.
I talked about how many times we have tried and how many years we’ve
been doing this. My friend told me that
she didn’t think it was time for me to give up, and we talked about some of the
options. That night, I lay in bed
thinking about our options and what we should do. The next morning, I woke up to a text from another
friend. Now, keep in mind that I haven’t
discussed any of my frustrations with her.
I haven’t talked to her in a month, but out of the blue she sent me this
text:
“So
I went to a worship concert with Kari Jobe and Christine Cane,
and it was just heaven and spirit filled.
Well, they talked about
how Joshua walked around the walls with these
people for 6 days.
They never saw progress. They
never saw a brick fall. They never
saw a crack come in them, but yet they NEVER gave up. They didn’t
quit. They didn’t stop at lap 1
or 4 or 5 or even 6. But then day 7
comes,
and with all their trust, with all their faith, with all their strength,
they
went around again like the Lord said, and then it happened. They fell.
The promise was there. They
gained the land that the Lord had promised
them. And I just felt the Lord
telling me to say to you that you can not
give up. You may not see
progress. You may not even see a hint of
light
in your situation, but the Lord is bigger, stronger, faithful in all
things, so
don’t give up. You never know when that last lap is. You’re so close.
Also, Christine got a word from the Lord about women who can’t have
babies, and she prayed for the promise to come. This was after the Lord
had already put you on my heart.
So she made them stand and she
prayed over them. I stood in your
place. Hold on to hope. It’s coming.”
What do you think about that? Did it give you chills? It gave me chills. I woke up that Friday morning and picked my
phone up like I do every morning and that text was on it. She had no idea what I had been dealing with,
no idea what I was contemplating, no idea I was considering giving up, and she
wrote that. I don’t know about you, but
I believe God is trying to tell me something.
No, I am not pregnant.
I’ve had to come to terms with that.
Yes, I have done eight IUI’s over a seven-year period, and they have all
failed. Yes, I am getting older and am
running out of money and time, but I still don’t think God is ready for me to throw in
the towel. I’m not going to lie to you
and say that after reading that text I just started smiling and being happy for
the rest of the week. I have wrestled
with frustration and questioned God. I
have cried. I have held on to hope that
maybe I was pregnant. It’s because we
are about to deal with the greatest burden we’ve had to deal with.
We meet with the doctor on August 12th. Richard and I have decided that we want to
try one more IUI. It will be very costly
since we have no medicines left. We are
looking at around $5,000 for that treatment, but that is still a little more
manageable than the alternatives. This
will be the last IUI we do. If it
doesn’t work, we will do IVF. I have no
idea how we will afford it. On average,
it costs between $15,000-$20,000 for one cycle.
For some people it is a little cheaper, but my insurance is maxed out on
meds, and we will have to pay for those on our own. Most people I know have had to do at least
three cycles. There is no way we can do
that unless a miracle happens, so Richard and I have decided to do the IUI and
then take out a loan for IVF. If IVF
doesn’t work, we will pay that loan off and then adopt. Adoption on an infant in the states through
an adoption agency is $25,000. Of
course, all of this is contingent upon what our doctor says, but he told me in
our last meeting that we could do another IUI. As you can imagine, we feel like
we have the weight of the world on our shoulders. Trying to figure out how to pay for all of
this is very stressful, but if God doesn’t want me to give up, then he will
make a way when there seems to be no way.
This is not the road I wanted to take, but God has a different
plan.
As always, we need prayers.
If you have fundraising ideas, send them our way, or if you just feel
like getting rid of any excess cash you have, we’ll be glad to take it off your
hands. We are trusting God and expecting
a miracle, but everyday is a trial. And, learning to trust God completely is no easy task. Fear and anxiety creep in from time to time. Thanks again for your love and support. We appreciate it.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Tick Tock Goes the Clock
No one likes to wait. We spend most of our lives waiting for something, waiting in line at Walmart, waiting at the doctor's office, waiting for the work day to end, waiting for friends to come over. The list goes on and on. When we wait our senses become hyper focused. We hear the ticking of the clock, the clicking of nails, the screams of children, the conversations around us. It seems to never end, but there are those sounds that tell us that our wait is over. The cashier says, "Next." The clock hits 5:00 pm. We even hear the car door that signals that our friends have arrived. It doesn't work like that for me. There are no signals that my wait is over. I have been waiting for nine years, and my senses are hyper focused. I just find the noises annoying.
Sometimes I feel like Austin Powers. That may be a bad analogy, but like Austin, I feel like I've been frozen in time and the whole world around me has changed, but I haven't. At times I even feel as if my mojo has been stolen. There really isn't a place for me and Richard. We don't fit in. It's not anyone's fault, but our friends have had children and have moved on with their lives. Our lives are at a stand still. You don't fit in with your old friends. It's hard to make new friends. Once you have children they become your focus, your life, as it should be, but there is little room or time for others. You don't fit in at work. You are too old to hang with the young childless crew, but you are too young to fit in with the ones who have older children. We are a minority, the childless. We don't even fit in at church. That's okay. I don't have to fit in, but it does make for lonely times.
Sometimes while I'm waiting, I sit and think about whether or not it's worth it. Is it worth it to never see your husband because he works two jobs? Is it worth it to be alone all the time? Is it worth it to sacrifice vacations and anniversaries? Is it worth it to rarely eat out or buy anything for yourself? Is it worth it to live in a town you really have no ties to just to be close to the doctor? Is it worth it to pump your body full of drugs that make you act like a mad woman? Is it worth it to keep riding this emotional roller coaster ride?
There are days when I think that we should just quit treatments and spend our money traveling and enjoying life. I sometimes think it would be great to pack up my bags and move to some tropical island and spend my days basking in the sun. I oftentimes think of quitting and doing what I want to do, but then I think about old age. Who will be there when we are too old to travel? Who will be there for us when one of us passes away? So, is it worth it? Yes! No one wants to be alone.
I haven't posted a blog in a while. We've just been at a standstill. After my failed treatment in the spring, I had another cyst, so I had to go back on birth control for two months to shrink it. I also had to have my annual tests done to update my records, so we couldn't do another treatment until that was done. I went last Thursday for my tests. I have to be checked for STD's and other infections. At least we know that I don't have AIDS or chlamydia. They have to do blood work and cultures and have to update my file. That has now been done. I met with the doctor as well.
Dr. Allemand is great. We talked about how there is nothing wrong with me on paper. He found nothing in my surgery. All my blood work is great. I don't have thyroid issues or diabetes or high blood pressure or polycystic ovary syndrome. There is absolutely nothing wrong. He says that I just don't produce as many eggs as a 37 yr. old should. He said that I summed it up best by saying that we are just waiting for the perfect egg. I just need one really good egg.
The game plan is to increase the dosage of one of my medicines. Luckily, I have a lot of medicine left over from the last treatment, so that will help a lot with the cost, but we are still looking at paying around $3,000 out-of-pocket for this next treatment. It's not cheap. The doctor and I discussed doing a couple of more treatments and then looking at IVF. However, if this treatment doesn't work, it may be better to just do IVF. The cost of another IUI with no leftover meds would be pretty close to the cost of IVF. Dr. Allemand said that the good thing about IVF is that he can actually look at my eggs under a microscope and see if they are normal/good. If they aren't, then there is no use in trying anything else. We would just have to adopt.
Anyway, that's where we are. God's in control. He hears my prayers and answers them. Just continue to pray that the treatments work. Pray for healthy eggs, a healthy baby, and a healthy pregnancy. The Lord knows how many babies we can handle and afford. I really don't want sextuplets and a television show. Also pray for a way to afford daycare. Getting pregnant is only part of the problem. There are obstacles to overcome once you get pregnant. God knows what is best for us. He sees the big picture.
To those of you who helped us with our last fundraiser, thank you. That was a tremendous help. I hate doing fundraisers because I feel like I'm just asking for money, but we really have no choice. We will probably have to do some other fundraisers in the future or possibly take out a loan for IVF. God will make a way. He has made a way for us so far to afford everything we've done. Thanks for your prayers and support.
Shatisa
Sometimes I feel like Austin Powers. That may be a bad analogy, but like Austin, I feel like I've been frozen in time and the whole world around me has changed, but I haven't. At times I even feel as if my mojo has been stolen. There really isn't a place for me and Richard. We don't fit in. It's not anyone's fault, but our friends have had children and have moved on with their lives. Our lives are at a stand still. You don't fit in with your old friends. It's hard to make new friends. Once you have children they become your focus, your life, as it should be, but there is little room or time for others. You don't fit in at work. You are too old to hang with the young childless crew, but you are too young to fit in with the ones who have older children. We are a minority, the childless. We don't even fit in at church. That's okay. I don't have to fit in, but it does make for lonely times.
Sometimes while I'm waiting, I sit and think about whether or not it's worth it. Is it worth it to never see your husband because he works two jobs? Is it worth it to be alone all the time? Is it worth it to sacrifice vacations and anniversaries? Is it worth it to rarely eat out or buy anything for yourself? Is it worth it to live in a town you really have no ties to just to be close to the doctor? Is it worth it to pump your body full of drugs that make you act like a mad woman? Is it worth it to keep riding this emotional roller coaster ride?
There are days when I think that we should just quit treatments and spend our money traveling and enjoying life. I sometimes think it would be great to pack up my bags and move to some tropical island and spend my days basking in the sun. I oftentimes think of quitting and doing what I want to do, but then I think about old age. Who will be there when we are too old to travel? Who will be there for us when one of us passes away? So, is it worth it? Yes! No one wants to be alone.
I haven't posted a blog in a while. We've just been at a standstill. After my failed treatment in the spring, I had another cyst, so I had to go back on birth control for two months to shrink it. I also had to have my annual tests done to update my records, so we couldn't do another treatment until that was done. I went last Thursday for my tests. I have to be checked for STD's and other infections. At least we know that I don't have AIDS or chlamydia. They have to do blood work and cultures and have to update my file. That has now been done. I met with the doctor as well.
Dr. Allemand is great. We talked about how there is nothing wrong with me on paper. He found nothing in my surgery. All my blood work is great. I don't have thyroid issues or diabetes or high blood pressure or polycystic ovary syndrome. There is absolutely nothing wrong. He says that I just don't produce as many eggs as a 37 yr. old should. He said that I summed it up best by saying that we are just waiting for the perfect egg. I just need one really good egg.
The game plan is to increase the dosage of one of my medicines. Luckily, I have a lot of medicine left over from the last treatment, so that will help a lot with the cost, but we are still looking at paying around $3,000 out-of-pocket for this next treatment. It's not cheap. The doctor and I discussed doing a couple of more treatments and then looking at IVF. However, if this treatment doesn't work, it may be better to just do IVF. The cost of another IUI with no leftover meds would be pretty close to the cost of IVF. Dr. Allemand said that the good thing about IVF is that he can actually look at my eggs under a microscope and see if they are normal/good. If they aren't, then there is no use in trying anything else. We would just have to adopt.
Anyway, that's where we are. God's in control. He hears my prayers and answers them. Just continue to pray that the treatments work. Pray for healthy eggs, a healthy baby, and a healthy pregnancy. The Lord knows how many babies we can handle and afford. I really don't want sextuplets and a television show. Also pray for a way to afford daycare. Getting pregnant is only part of the problem. There are obstacles to overcome once you get pregnant. God knows what is best for us. He sees the big picture.
To those of you who helped us with our last fundraiser, thank you. That was a tremendous help. I hate doing fundraisers because I feel like I'm just asking for money, but we really have no choice. We will probably have to do some other fundraisers in the future or possibly take out a loan for IVF. God will make a way. He has made a way for us so far to afford everything we've done. Thanks for your prayers and support.
Shatisa
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Confusion
This July Richard and I will have been married ten
years. This August will mark nine years
since we started trying to have a baby.
I never imagined this is where I would be nine years later…childless. We
tried on our own at first. After about
six months, our OBGYN put me on Clomid.
I had very little response, so he did a sperm test on Richard. He finally told me that he was referring us
to a specialist in Birmingham. Several
tests later, we were ready for our first cycle. My response was not great, and
the day of the IUI they discovered that something had drastically impacted
Richard’s sperm count in a very short amount of time. The doctor said that my chances didn’t look
good, but sometimes miracles happen, so she went ahead with the IUI. Of course, it didn’t work.
Richard went to see a doctor who discovered that he had a
varicose vein and had to have surgery…a varicocelectomy. He went to specialists, and we waited. The stress was so much on me that I said that
we should just take a break, so we took a break for five years. Knowing that we were going to have to spend
lots of money on something that wasn’t definite was hard for me to wrap my
brain around. I took time to study God’s
word and read and memorize every piece of scripture that I could find that
pertained to our situation. I started a
Bible study/support group at church called Hannah’s Hope. I wanted to reach out to other women who were
going through the same thing. I met some
great women, increased my faith, and drew closer to God. It also gave me time
to get my mind off everything. God could
make me pregnant without medicine. He’s
the great physician, so we stopped seeing doctors and tried on our own for five
years, but it didn’t work. I knew we
needed to go back to the doctor, but I couldn’t bring myself to face it. Finally, a dear friend gave us $500 and told
us to make an appointment, so we did.
We started that first summer and did two IUI’s. It was all we could do because I just
couldn’t miss work. We kept toying
around with my meds, but neither response was ideal, and the IUI’s didn’t
work. Nine months later, we decided to
try two more IUI’s. We tried different
meds, but my response wasn’t ideal.
Neither IUI worked. It was at
that point that we decided that I would have to continue throughout the
year. We had to be more aggressive. I had recently turned thirty-six, and time
wasn’t on my side. The doctor and I
decided that he should do exploratory surgery to make sure there wasn’t
anything going on internally. I had my
surgery in October. There were no
problems. I had a couple of polyps and
such a mild case of endometriosis that it was barely stage I. He lasered out what he found and cleaned me
up. He said that there was nothing going
on internally that would keep me from conceiving.
I was ready for my first treatment in November. When I went in for my ultrasound, the nurse
found a 4 cm cyst. I had to take birth
control pills for a month. I went in at
the beginning of January for my next treatment.
A sweet friend had sold me two boxes of Gonil F that she had leftover
from her treatments. It just felt like a
God thing, medicine was placed in my lap.
However, it didn’t work. Since
the beginning of our journey, I’ve tried to keep a positive outlook on things,
keeping the faith, but for some reason, I felt very depressed after that failed
IUI. I didn’t understand, and I felt so
certain it would work, yet I had the worse response I’ve ever had. I’m
resilient, so I bounced back after a couple of weeks, ready to go through it
all over again.
Then the greatest miracle of all happened. A very dear friend from Dothan gave me all of
her leftover meds from her previous cycles.
She gave me thousands of dollars worth of meds. What a God thing! I was so excited. God had truly blessed us. I went in for my ultrasound to get ready for
my next cycle (it was on my birthday), and I had another cyst, almost as large
as the last one. I had to wait
again. This time I decided to stay on
the birth control for a couple of extra weeks so I could visit with my family
during Spring Break. After Spring Break, I went in for my ultrasound. I still had a cyst, but it was too small to
be concerned about. I was ready for my
cycle. I just knew that this would be
the one. God had sent that medicine to
me through a sweet friend. I had the
best response I’ve ever had. It was a
God thing. I just knew that this was the time I would finally get pregnant. It was a done deal.
After nine years and approximately 108 failed pregnancy attempts,
you’d think that I would be used to it.
It’s hard to tell if you are pregnant while being on all these
meds. The progesterone pills you take
mimic pregnancy symptoms/period symptoms, the typical stuff like cramping,
bloating, sore boobs. So, on Thursday,
April 24th, I knew something was wrong when I woke up that day and
all symptoms were gone and zits covered my face. Then I began spotting like I do every single
time. It was at that moment that I knew
I wasn’t pregnant, just like all the other times. That night, I lay in bed
crying. I didn’t want Richard to know,
so I hid it from him. He kept asking me
why my nose was stopped up, but he had no clue that I was crying and hurting
and angry.
Depression is not what I felt this time. I was angry at God. I felt let down. Why? Why did you let me get my hopes up? Why did you send medicine to me only for it
not to work? Why did you let me have my
best results ever only to find out that I’m not pregnant? Why does your word say that with faith the
size of a mustard seed, you can move mountains?
I have faith, at least mustard-size faith. Why does your word say that nothing is
impossible with God, yet this seems to be an impossible feat? Why did you say you would give me the desires
of my heart? Why? WHY? WHY!!!!!! Do you
hear my prayers? Do you hear the people
praying for me? Do you even care?
I know those sound like horribly selfish things to say, but
I am human. Even though I know God hears
my prayers and cares, I was hurting…am hurting.
I was ready to quit and throw in the towel. Richard and I sat and talked about what to
do. The money is running out. The stress and frustration are
unbearable. Maybe we should just
quit.
As I scanned through Twitter and Facebook, it seemed that
every post I saw was aimed at me: “Just
because you can’t see it yet, doesn’t mean it’s not on its way.” “Get your fire back. It’s not over until God says it’s over. Start believing again. Start dreaming again. Start pursuing what God put in your heart.” Okay, God, I get your point. It’s not time for me to give up. Every single time I think it’s time to quit,
something tells me not to.
I’m not angry at God anymore, but I still don’t
understand. But, in the wise words of
Steven Curtis Chapman, “God is God and I am not.” I don’t always get his
plan. I don’t understand why he has
allowed us to go through this. All I
know is that I have to keep on going and trusting him. There has to be some reason for all of this,
and one day soon I will know that reason.
Sometimes I get depressed, sometimes I get angry with God, sometimes I
question God, sometimes I feel like I’m losing my faith in God; but don’t
worry. There is nothing wrong with my
relationship with Christ. I am human,
but in my heart of hearts, I hear the voice of reason (the Holy Spirit), and I
snap out of my funk.
It is no secret that my insurance is maxed out, no more drug
coverage. I can do one more IUI, and
then insurance won’t cover those anymore.
They only cover eight of them.
Richard and I can afford to do about three more treatments and that is
it. After that, I don’t know what we
will do. Maybe we can find some money or
maybe we’ll have to take out a loan and try to adopt, if that’s even an
option. I don’t know if you can get a
loan for that. I don’t know
anymore. Right now I’m stressed about
the storm damage to my house and figuring out how to pay the deductible and
worried about what insurance will or will not pay for. Trying to figure out how to pay for that and
how to pay for fertility treatments at the same time is a nightmare.
Here I go again. I’ll
spend the month of May on birth control, trying to shrink that stupid cyst that
won’t go away. I’ll repeat my yearly
tests, the ones that test me for every disease known to man. Then I’ll meet with the doctor and proceed
with the next plan, which will probably include outrageously expensive
meds. It’s just another waiting game.
There comes a point when you’ve said all that you can say to
God. There is nothing left. I’ve prayed every prayer. I’ve walked in faith. I’ve begged and pleaded. He knows.
Just pray for us. There has to be
something good just around the corner.
There just has to be.
Friday, April 4, 2014
The Waiting Game
I've been quiet for a while, not because anything is particularly wrong. I've
just been very busy, so let me take this time to get you all caught up. I went to the doctor on my
birthday, February 21st, excited and ready to start my next cycle. When they did
my ultrasound, they found another 4cm cyst. I didn't even get upset. I just
shook my head and left, prepared to wait it out again. They put me on birth
control in the hopes of shrinking the cyst.
I've been playing the waiting game. I was on birth control for about five/six weeks
so I could get through Spring Break without having to go to the doctor, and that was probably the greatest decision I've made. I needed a break. I needed to get refreshed and rejuvenated, and seeing my family and going to the beach was just what I needed. Sometimes you just have to step away from it all for just a while.
I had to get the birth control out of my system and start my period before I could go back to the doctor, so I finally went back to the doctor today to do my ultrasound. Everything was fine; however, I still have a very small cyst on my right ovary. It just doesn't seem to want to go away, but it was so small that it doesn't matter. I can still start my meds and continue on with my next cycle.
I'm not going to get into specific dates, just because I would like to have some type of privacy. I don't want people to ask me when I'm taking my pregnancy test and if I'm pregnant. Sharing that news with everyone and people actually being surprised would be an absolute thrill for me, so I don't want to ruin that by telling people too much, but just know that I will be starting a new cycle of meds this month and will then have an IUI. I will have to wait two weeks and take a pregnancy test.
I really need your prayers. Pray specifically that I respond very well to this medicine, and thank God for replenishing my eggs when you pray. Pray for me to have a stress-free month. It is no secret that I have been really stressed out this year. Stress is not helpful when trying to get pregnant. Pray that things will go smoothly for me at work. Also, please pray that I will stop having cysts. Most importantly, pray that I get pregnant this time, and thank God for answering my prayers.
I have peace. I always do. I know that God is in control. He wouldn't bring me this far to leave me empty handed. He has placed people in our life who have blessed us financially, people who have blessed us with thousands of dollars in medicine, and people who have prayed for us without end. There is a reason for all of this. I don't always understand why we've had to deal with infertility, but one day all the puzzle pieces will fit, and I will see God's perfect plan and how it all came together.
Thanks for your prayers and support,
Shatisa
just been very busy, so let me take this time to get you all caught up. I went to the doctor on my
birthday, February 21st, excited and ready to start my next cycle. When they did
my ultrasound, they found another 4cm cyst. I didn't even get upset. I just
shook my head and left, prepared to wait it out again. They put me on birth
control in the hopes of shrinking the cyst.
I've been playing the waiting game. I was on birth control for about five/six weeks
so I could get through Spring Break without having to go to the doctor, and that was probably the greatest decision I've made. I needed a break. I needed to get refreshed and rejuvenated, and seeing my family and going to the beach was just what I needed. Sometimes you just have to step away from it all for just a while.
I had to get the birth control out of my system and start my period before I could go back to the doctor, so I finally went back to the doctor today to do my ultrasound. Everything was fine; however, I still have a very small cyst on my right ovary. It just doesn't seem to want to go away, but it was so small that it doesn't matter. I can still start my meds and continue on with my next cycle.
I'm not going to get into specific dates, just because I would like to have some type of privacy. I don't want people to ask me when I'm taking my pregnancy test and if I'm pregnant. Sharing that news with everyone and people actually being surprised would be an absolute thrill for me, so I don't want to ruin that by telling people too much, but just know that I will be starting a new cycle of meds this month and will then have an IUI. I will have to wait two weeks and take a pregnancy test.
I really need your prayers. Pray specifically that I respond very well to this medicine, and thank God for replenishing my eggs when you pray. Pray for me to have a stress-free month. It is no secret that I have been really stressed out this year. Stress is not helpful when trying to get pregnant. Pray that things will go smoothly for me at work. Also, please pray that I will stop having cysts. Most importantly, pray that I get pregnant this time, and thank God for answering my prayers.
I have peace. I always do. I know that God is in control. He wouldn't bring me this far to leave me empty handed. He has placed people in our life who have blessed us financially, people who have blessed us with thousands of dollars in medicine, and people who have prayed for us without end. There is a reason for all of this. I don't always understand why we've had to deal with infertility, but one day all the puzzle pieces will fit, and I will see God's perfect plan and how it all came together.
Thanks for your prayers and support,
Shatisa
Saturday, February 8, 2014
I Can See Clearly Now. The Rain Is Gone.
In the two weeks since my last blog, things have changed. I was really feeling down, but I have been reminded of God's love for me in a tremendous way. Countless people have sent me cards, texts, messages, and have even approached me with a hug telling me how they've been praying for me. I can't express to you how much that means to me.
As I sat in the doctor's office this past week, I noticed a woman who is there often when I am. She was crying and is always crying every time I see her there. I felt compassion for her, because I know what she feels like, but I also hurt for her because I could see the hopelessness in her eyes. Sure, I have days when I'm down and depressed, but I've never lost hope. I can't imagine going through infertility without knowing Christ or not having faith or hope in him. I'm not saying that she doesn't know Christ. I'm just saying that I was reminded of that when I looked at her. Without faith in God's ability and the hope that things will get better and I will be pregnant, I couldn't make it.
Everywhere I look I see reminders of God's goodness. Richard's car broke down a couple of days after my last blog. The old adage "When it rains, it pours" was running through my head. The repair was only $1100, which might not be too much to some, but to those who are spending thousands on medical treatments, it can be a huge burden. But, God made a way for us to pay for it. When we started back doing fertility treatments, we were fundraising pretty heavily. We raised around $1,000, which was a huge blessing, but the money stopped coming in. However, as I stepped back and took a look, I realized that God was answering my prayers but in a different way than I had expected. First, we didn't have to spend nearly as much money on our last treatment because a friend sold us her leftover meds for $200. Recently, another friend of mine donated all of her leftover meds. We are talking about six boxes of Follistim, not to mention the progesterone, Menopure, and supplements she sent me as well. She saved us over a thousand dollars, and my parents are coming to see me in a little over a week, so they can bring me the meds. My eyes were opened, and I realized that he hears my prayers and is answering them.
Interestingly enough, the medicine she donated to me is exactly what my doctor decided to put me on for this next round. Coincidence? I think not. We discussed my previous cycles and talked about the best way to make my body respond. He joked that my ovaries don't like him. He also talked about how I just don't have as many eggs as a 36 year old should have. Some people might have been upset by that news, but I just kept thinking, "Is that all you've got? That's a piece of cake for God. I'll ask God to replenish my eggs, and that's that. I mean, come on! He turned water into wine, made the blind to see, raised the dead. This is nothing." I'm not phased by that at all. Don't worry though. The doctor is not ready to throw in the towel. He's just trying different concoctions of medicine that will make my ovaries respond. There are women a lot older than I am with much fewer eggs still getting pregnant through fertility treatments.
I will try another round at the end of the month. Pray that my new meds will work and I will have a great response. Pray for eggs, eggs, and more eggs. Hold on! Don't go overboard. I don't need sextuplets. I'm just aiming for one, possibly two babies. I just need it to work. I need good news, no setbacks. Please pray for my sweet friend who donated her meds to me. She finds out next week if she is pregnant, and I pray that God blesses her just like she blessed us.
Thank you for all of your prayers and support. They mean the world to us. When you pray for us, don't forget to praise God for what he is doing in our lives. He wouldn't bring us this far to leave us empty handed. There is something wonderful just around the bend.
As I sat in the doctor's office this past week, I noticed a woman who is there often when I am. She was crying and is always crying every time I see her there. I felt compassion for her, because I know what she feels like, but I also hurt for her because I could see the hopelessness in her eyes. Sure, I have days when I'm down and depressed, but I've never lost hope. I can't imagine going through infertility without knowing Christ or not having faith or hope in him. I'm not saying that she doesn't know Christ. I'm just saying that I was reminded of that when I looked at her. Without faith in God's ability and the hope that things will get better and I will be pregnant, I couldn't make it.
Everywhere I look I see reminders of God's goodness. Richard's car broke down a couple of days after my last blog. The old adage "When it rains, it pours" was running through my head. The repair was only $1100, which might not be too much to some, but to those who are spending thousands on medical treatments, it can be a huge burden. But, God made a way for us to pay for it. When we started back doing fertility treatments, we were fundraising pretty heavily. We raised around $1,000, which was a huge blessing, but the money stopped coming in. However, as I stepped back and took a look, I realized that God was answering my prayers but in a different way than I had expected. First, we didn't have to spend nearly as much money on our last treatment because a friend sold us her leftover meds for $200. Recently, another friend of mine donated all of her leftover meds. We are talking about six boxes of Follistim, not to mention the progesterone, Menopure, and supplements she sent me as well. She saved us over a thousand dollars, and my parents are coming to see me in a little over a week, so they can bring me the meds. My eyes were opened, and I realized that he hears my prayers and is answering them.
Interestingly enough, the medicine she donated to me is exactly what my doctor decided to put me on for this next round. Coincidence? I think not. We discussed my previous cycles and talked about the best way to make my body respond. He joked that my ovaries don't like him. He also talked about how I just don't have as many eggs as a 36 year old should have. Some people might have been upset by that news, but I just kept thinking, "Is that all you've got? That's a piece of cake for God. I'll ask God to replenish my eggs, and that's that. I mean, come on! He turned water into wine, made the blind to see, raised the dead. This is nothing." I'm not phased by that at all. Don't worry though. The doctor is not ready to throw in the towel. He's just trying different concoctions of medicine that will make my ovaries respond. There are women a lot older than I am with much fewer eggs still getting pregnant through fertility treatments.
I will try another round at the end of the month. Pray that my new meds will work and I will have a great response. Pray for eggs, eggs, and more eggs. Hold on! Don't go overboard. I don't need sextuplets. I'm just aiming for one, possibly two babies. I just need it to work. I need good news, no setbacks. Please pray for my sweet friend who donated her meds to me. She finds out next week if she is pregnant, and I pray that God blesses her just like she blessed us.
Thank you for all of your prayers and support. They mean the world to us. When you pray for us, don't forget to praise God for what he is doing in our lives. He wouldn't bring us this far to leave us empty handed. There is something wonderful just around the bend.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Transparency
This has been a really rough semester. We did two failed cycles this summer and decided to meet with the doctor in September to come up with a plan. He agreed that exploratory surgery would be a great option for me. I had my surgery in October, and I got a good report. There was absolutely nothing in there that would keep me from conceiving. He cleaned up a few things, and I was ready to go with our first cycle since August. When November rolled around, I went in for my baseline ultrasound to check and make sure everything was okay, and they discovered a large 4 cm cyst. That meant that I had to wait another month to try a cycle.
I finally was able to do one at the beginning of January. We were very optimistic and hopeful, because the doctor was trying to be more aggressive. We bought some medicine from a friend who had two leftover (unused) boxes of our medicine that she sold to us at a very cheap price. The doctor put me on the highest dosage of straight injectable drugs that I've ever taken. In the past, I've taken straight injectable drugs at a lower dosage and didn't do well. Then we started mixing my drugs with a pill called Femara. I actually was doing fairly well on it. This time we decided to push my body and take a much higher dosage with no Femara. I was devastated to find out that I only produced one mature follicle on the drugs.
Many of you may not understand how these drugs work. They stimulate your follicles. Follicles have to be a certain size to be considered mature. If they are 1.8 or higher in size, they are considered mature and able to produce a mature egg. That doesn't ensure that it will produce a mature egg. It just means that it can. These drugs cause you to produce more follicles. The more follicles, the better chance you have at producing one or more mature eggs. I had about five follicles. All were 1.4 or smaller. I only had one that was 1.8 and mature. That is an extremely bad response. My last two cycles, when I was taking Femara, I had at least three mature follicles. I was expecting to have several mature follicles with such a high dosage of drugs. That was not the case.
Now that you've had your tutorial on human reproductive technology, let me tell you where I am now. I'm not very good at talking and communicating verbally, but I like to write. I communicate better when I write. I've just gone through the horrible two-week wait. My pregnancy test is Tuesday. They will make me go and take the test even though I already know I'm not pregnant. I've been spotting for days, and I finally started my period today, cramps and all. And before you all try to tell me that there is a chance that I'm pregnant, I'm not. I'm positive. I know my body. When you go through these treatments, you know everything about your body. I have an appointment with the doctor on Feb. 6th to discuss my treatment options and which medication concoction he would like to try next.
The bottom line is this: I am not doing well. I normally bounce back very well and am positive and full of hope and faith, but this time, I am not. I have been in a deep funk, maybe even depression, since I found out that my response was so horrible. I can't seem to get over it. I know it's the devil. I know I have to have faith and trust God. I talked to a friend the other day, one of the few who actually gets what I'm going through. She had a great analogy for how I'm feeling: "I used to describe it as feeling like I was pushing a bus full of people uphill alone." That's exactly what it feels like. I'm worn down. I'm tired, tired of disappointment. It's a deep emotional tired, where you have nothing left to pray about and nothing left to say to God. It's all been said. I'm all prayed out.
Not many people get what I'm talking about. Consider yourself blessed. I really don't want to hear the cliche responses. I know that you mean well. It's easy for people to say those things when your faith isn't being tested. Not everyone has been through times so hard they just break you down. Sometimes your world stops and life brings you to your knees. People who haven't gone through life-altering circumstances or depression or disappointment on such an awful level just don't get how to console me. As my friend told me, "You just reach the point where there are no words of comfort or advice that anyone could offer that bring you one ounce of peace."
I don't need a lecture on faith. I've memorized every scripture that pertains to my situation. I know what his word says. It doesn't mean that I don't have faith. I'm just going through a hard time right now. Please don't be like Job's so-called friends in the Bible and point out all the things I'm doing wrong. Instead, right now, I need friends like the ones in the story of the paraplegic man in the Bible, ones who lowered their friend through the roof and put him at the feet of Jesus. I need friends who are willing to stand in the gap for me and pray. I don't have much left right now.
Please try and understand what I'm going through. I'm not bubbly and happy right now. I'm quiet most days. I'm trying my hardest. I want to cry and give up and throw in the towel, but I know that isn't what I need to do. I need friends who understand. I need to have some fun and get all of this off my mind. I normally just focus all of my attention on school. I stay in my room and work and come home and work. Work keeps my mind off things somewhat. However, right now, work isn't helping much either. It seems to be making it worse. In the wise words of Shakespeare, "with what I most enjoy contented least." That's how I feel. I'm not content with anything at the moment.
I am going to skip a cycle this time and wait until the end of February. I just need a break so I can get caught up at school. I really don't need to miss right now. Plus, I need to meet with the doctor, so I really don't feel like rushing around to get in another cycle. I'll try again at the end of the month once we've established a game plan.
Thanks for your prayers and understanding.
Shatisa
I finally was able to do one at the beginning of January. We were very optimistic and hopeful, because the doctor was trying to be more aggressive. We bought some medicine from a friend who had two leftover (unused) boxes of our medicine that she sold to us at a very cheap price. The doctor put me on the highest dosage of straight injectable drugs that I've ever taken. In the past, I've taken straight injectable drugs at a lower dosage and didn't do well. Then we started mixing my drugs with a pill called Femara. I actually was doing fairly well on it. This time we decided to push my body and take a much higher dosage with no Femara. I was devastated to find out that I only produced one mature follicle on the drugs.
Many of you may not understand how these drugs work. They stimulate your follicles. Follicles have to be a certain size to be considered mature. If they are 1.8 or higher in size, they are considered mature and able to produce a mature egg. That doesn't ensure that it will produce a mature egg. It just means that it can. These drugs cause you to produce more follicles. The more follicles, the better chance you have at producing one or more mature eggs. I had about five follicles. All were 1.4 or smaller. I only had one that was 1.8 and mature. That is an extremely bad response. My last two cycles, when I was taking Femara, I had at least three mature follicles. I was expecting to have several mature follicles with such a high dosage of drugs. That was not the case.
Now that you've had your tutorial on human reproductive technology, let me tell you where I am now. I'm not very good at talking and communicating verbally, but I like to write. I communicate better when I write. I've just gone through the horrible two-week wait. My pregnancy test is Tuesday. They will make me go and take the test even though I already know I'm not pregnant. I've been spotting for days, and I finally started my period today, cramps and all. And before you all try to tell me that there is a chance that I'm pregnant, I'm not. I'm positive. I know my body. When you go through these treatments, you know everything about your body. I have an appointment with the doctor on Feb. 6th to discuss my treatment options and which medication concoction he would like to try next.
The bottom line is this: I am not doing well. I normally bounce back very well and am positive and full of hope and faith, but this time, I am not. I have been in a deep funk, maybe even depression, since I found out that my response was so horrible. I can't seem to get over it. I know it's the devil. I know I have to have faith and trust God. I talked to a friend the other day, one of the few who actually gets what I'm going through. She had a great analogy for how I'm feeling: "I used to describe it as feeling like I was pushing a bus full of people uphill alone." That's exactly what it feels like. I'm worn down. I'm tired, tired of disappointment. It's a deep emotional tired, where you have nothing left to pray about and nothing left to say to God. It's all been said. I'm all prayed out.
Not many people get what I'm talking about. Consider yourself blessed. I really don't want to hear the cliche responses. I know that you mean well. It's easy for people to say those things when your faith isn't being tested. Not everyone has been through times so hard they just break you down. Sometimes your world stops and life brings you to your knees. People who haven't gone through life-altering circumstances or depression or disappointment on such an awful level just don't get how to console me. As my friend told me, "You just reach the point where there are no words of comfort or advice that anyone could offer that bring you one ounce of peace."
I don't need a lecture on faith. I've memorized every scripture that pertains to my situation. I know what his word says. It doesn't mean that I don't have faith. I'm just going through a hard time right now. Please don't be like Job's so-called friends in the Bible and point out all the things I'm doing wrong. Instead, right now, I need friends like the ones in the story of the paraplegic man in the Bible, ones who lowered their friend through the roof and put him at the feet of Jesus. I need friends who are willing to stand in the gap for me and pray. I don't have much left right now.
Please try and understand what I'm going through. I'm not bubbly and happy right now. I'm quiet most days. I'm trying my hardest. I want to cry and give up and throw in the towel, but I know that isn't what I need to do. I need friends who understand. I need to have some fun and get all of this off my mind. I normally just focus all of my attention on school. I stay in my room and work and come home and work. Work keeps my mind off things somewhat. However, right now, work isn't helping much either. It seems to be making it worse. In the wise words of Shakespeare, "with what I most enjoy contented least." That's how I feel. I'm not content with anything at the moment.
I am going to skip a cycle this time and wait until the end of February. I just need a break so I can get caught up at school. I really don't need to miss right now. Plus, I need to meet with the doctor, so I really don't feel like rushing around to get in another cycle. I'll try again at the end of the month once we've established a game plan.
Thanks for your prayers and understanding.
Shatisa
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