Where to begin!?! Well, we met with our doctor today. This is our first meeting since the last failed IUI. I have been praying that God would give our doctor wisdom and that we would get guidance from him as to what we should do next. We talked about the IUI and how I didn't have a lot of follicles but great estradiol numbers. He said what he's said many times, that I just am not producing the amount of eggs I should with the high dosage of medicine I'm on.
So what's next? He asked us what we were thinking about doing, and we told him that we thought we would try one last IUI, and if it doesn't work, we will do IVF. He said that he thought that was a great plan. We went into this meeting knowing that another IUI would be expensive, because I'm completely out of meds, but we thought that it would be manageable since another friend had offered me a little leftover medicine that might help reduce the cost a bit. However, that was not the case. I won't be using her donated meds.
Our doctor said that he wants to put me on the full regimen of IVF meds for this IUI. It's really a great plan. He said by doing this we can figure out how my body will respond to the meds and if IVF would even be an option for us. So if I don't respond well, we know not to waste our money on IVF, which could save us $20,000 in the long run. The only problem is that these drugs are ridiculously expensive. The drugs alone will be between $5,000-$7,000. That's not counting appointments and the actual IUI. Needless to say, I'm overwhelmed.
The financial side of it is hard to stomach. Do you take out a loan? Do you charge some of it? It's enough to make your head spin. We have to call pharmaceutical companies to see who can give us the cheapest price since our insurance pays nothing. Then we have to check on interest rates and loan programs. I don't want to take out a loan if we may have to turn around and take out another loan for $20,000 for IVF. I just want to scream.
Once again, we discussed the unknown, not knowing if I'm really producing good quality eggs and having no way of truly knowing until we do IVF, but IVF is a $20,000 diagnostic tool. Who can afford that? But he did talk about those risks with us, if I do respond well and have to actually do IVF. He said that we could spend that money and not produce enough embryos when it's all said and done, but at least we will have closure. If I don't have good eggs, he said we then had to decide if we wanted to use donor eggs, donor embryos, or adopt. Those are all things I can't even wrap my brain around right now.
How do I feel? Numb! I've been doing this so long that I just feel numb, and the rainy weather, death of Robin Williams, genocide of Christians, war in Gaza, and ten thousand other horrible things I see on the news only add to the numbness and sadness I feel. Do I trust God? Totally! But it doesn't mean that the devil doesn't attack me on a daily basis. I know God will provide a way, but it doesn't mean that my brain isn't moving a hundred miles an hour trying desperately to process all of this information. I still have moments when I am fighting fear and depression. I have faith that God has a plan for us, and I still know without a doubt that we will be parents. It's not a lack of faith to be concerned with whether or not you are making the right decisions, following God's plan.
So here we are. We are about to drop some serious cash that we don't have, but we are just trusting that God will provide a way for us to pay it. If I respond well to the meds but the IUI doesn't work, we will take out a loan for $20,000 and try IVF. If IVF doesn't work, we will adopt. The one good thing is that we have plenty of time to adopt. The clock isn't ticking when it comes to adoption, and this next route will give us some definite answers and help us to know if we should close a door and walk away from it.
We still need your prayers. We still need donations. Here is our link to our fundraising site: http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/our-journey-to-parenthood/50742. Feel free to share it on your Facebook page or Twitter. Thank you to all of you who have texted, emailed, and messaged me on Facebook. I appreciate your support, kind words, and donations.
Love,
Shatisa
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