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This has been a really rough semester. We did two failed cycles this summer and decided to meet with the doctor in September to come up with a plan.  He agreed that exploratory surgery would be a great option for me.  I had my surgery in October, and I got a good report.  There was absolutely nothing in there that would keep me from conceiving.  He cleaned up a few things, and I was ready to go with our first cycle since August.  When November rolled around, I went in for my baseline ultrasound to check and make sure everything was okay, and they discovered a large 4 cm cyst.  That meant that I had to wait another month to try a cycle. 

I finally was able to do one at the beginning of January.  We were very optimistic and hopeful, because the doctor was trying to be more aggressive.  We bought some medicine from a friend who had two leftover (unused) boxes of our medicine that she sold to us at a very cheap price. The doctor put me on the highest dosage of straight injectable drugs that I've ever taken.  In the past, I've taken straight injectable drugs at a lower dosage and didn't do well. Then we started mixing my drugs with a pill called Femara.  I actually was doing fairly well on it.  This time we decided to push my body and take a much higher dosage with no Femara.  I was devastated to find out that I only produced one mature follicle on the drugs. 

Many of you may not understand how these drugs work.  They stimulate your follicles.  Follicles have to be a certain size to be considered mature.  If they are 1.8 or higher in size, they are considered mature and able to produce a mature egg.  That doesn't ensure that it will produce a mature egg.  It just means that it can.  These drugs cause you to produce more follicles.  The more follicles, the better chance you have at producing one or more mature eggs. I had about five follicles.  All were 1.4 or smaller.  I only had one that was 1.8 and mature.  That is an extremely bad response. My last two cycles, when I was taking Femara, I had at least three mature follicles.  I was expecting to have several mature follicles with such a high dosage of drugs.  That was not the case. 

Now that you've had your tutorial on human reproductive technology, let me tell you where I am now.  I'm not very good at talking and communicating verbally, but I like to write.  I communicate better when I write. I've just gone through the horrible two-week wait.  My pregnancy test is Tuesday.  They will make me go and take the test even though I already know I'm not pregnant.  I've been spotting for days, and I finally started my period today, cramps and all.  And before you all try to tell me that there is a chance that I'm pregnant, I'm not.  I'm positive.  I know my body.  When you go through these treatments, you know everything about your body. I have an appointment with the doctor on Feb. 6th to discuss my treatment options and which medication concoction he would like to try next.

The bottom line is this:  I am not doing well.  I normally bounce back very well and am positive and full of hope and faith, but this time, I am not.  I have been in a deep funk, maybe even depression, since I found out that my response was so horrible.  I can't seem to get over it.  I know it's the devil. I know I have to have faith and trust God.  I talked to a friend the other day, one of the few who actually gets what I'm going through.  She had a great analogy for how I'm feeling:  "I used to describe it as feeling like I was pushing a bus full of people uphill alone."  That's exactly what it feels like.  I'm worn down.  I'm tired, tired of disappointment.  It's a deep emotional tired, where you have nothing left to pray about and nothing left to say to God.  It's all been said. I'm all prayed out. 

Not many people get what I'm talking about.  Consider yourself blessed.  I really don't want to hear the cliche responses.  I know that you mean well.  It's easy for people to say those things when your faith isn't being tested.  Not everyone has been through times so hard they just break you down.  Sometimes your world stops and life brings you to your knees.  People who haven't gone through life-altering circumstances or depression or disappointment on such an awful level just don't get how to console me. As my friend told me, "You just reach the point where there are no words of comfort or advice that anyone could offer that bring you one ounce of peace."

I don't need a lecture on faith.  I've memorized every scripture that pertains to my situation.  I know what his word says.  It doesn't mean that I don't have faith.  I'm just going through a hard time right now.  Please don't be like Job's so-called friends in the Bible and point out all the things I'm doing wrong.  Instead, right now, I need friends like the ones in the story of the paraplegic man in the Bible, ones who lowered their friend through the roof and put him at the feet of Jesus.  I need friends who are willing to stand in the gap for me and pray.  I don't have much left right now.

Please try and understand what I'm going through.  I'm not bubbly and happy right now.  I'm quiet most days. I'm trying my hardest.  I want to cry and give up and throw in the towel, but I know that isn't what I need to do. I need friends who understand.  I need to have some fun and get all of this off my mind. I normally just focus all of my attention on school.  I stay in my room and work and come home and work.  Work keeps my mind off things somewhat.  However, right now, work isn't helping much either.  It seems to be making it worse.  In the wise words of Shakespeare, "with what I most enjoy contented least."  That's how I feel.  I'm not content with anything at the moment.

I am going to skip a cycle this time and wait until the end of February.  I just need a break so I can get caught up at school.  I really don't need to miss right now.  Plus, I need to meet with the doctor, so I really don't feel like rushing around to get in another cycle.  I'll try again at the end of the month once we've established a game plan. 

Thanks for your prayers and understanding.

Shatisa