Plan Z

Most of you already know that our last treatment did not work.  I posted a blog last week about it.  It was very disappointing, to say the least.  We went in today for our follow-up appt. with our doctor.  He said that on paper my last treatment was picture perfect.  It was the best response that I’ve ever had.  Honestly, the last five have been wonderful.  There is no reason why I shouldn’t be pregnant.  They were all great responses, but I’m not, so there is some kind of issue.  It could be that I’m not producing quality eggs.  It could be that sperm cannot penetrate my eggs.  Those are all things that you can’t find out unless you are looking at it under a microscope.  However, my doctor did ask how much the last treatment cost, which was $6,300. He said if insurance were paying for some of it, he would tell us to just do another IUI because I responded so well, but insurance doesn’t cover anything, so he said it just wasn’t cost effective. 

Yes, I responded well enough to do IVF, but here is what most of you don’t understand.  Because I have low ovarian reserve, I don’t have the number of eggs that the normal woman has.  There is absolutely nothing I can do about that.  It doesn’t matter what I change about my health or what diet I’m on or what meds I take.  You are born with the number of eggs you will have.  You can’t increase that number. Only God can do that.  It is what it is. The average woman takes the drugs that I was on and can produce upwards of twenty follicles.  During IVF the doctors take the eggs out and fertilize them and select the best embryos to implant into the woman.  The average woman may end up with more than ten embryos, so she can spend $20,000 on the first full round of IVF and come back and use frozen embryos that she has left over and do another round that will be much less since she doesn’t have to take any drugs.  I, on the other hand, only produced five mature follicles on IVF drugs.  They would probably have to implant all of my embryos into me the first time, that’s only if they are of good quality.  If it didn’t work the first time, I wouldn’t have frozen embryos.  I would have to do the full cycle over again.  Two rounds of IVF would cost me $40,000.  Plus, it’s a risk, because we don’t know the quality of my eggs.  I could risk that much money and have nothing to show for it.  It’s a great procedure for the average woman, but it’s not ideal for us. IVF is not an option for us.  As the doctor put it, it wouldn’t be cost effective, it would be risky, and I would have low chances of conceiving.  We could try it with donor eggs, but you are looking at $30,000 or more to do that. 

Okay, so there is adoption.  I’ve said it before, but adoption of an infant is extremely expensive.  It costs roughly $25,000 to adopt an infant from an adoption agency in the U.S.  It costs even more if you adopt one overseas.  You will also be on a waiting list for a long time.  I believe that adoption is a calling.  We could adopt a foster child, but you deal with risks: behavioral issues, developmental issues, psychological issues.  Many of these children have been abused.  If you don’t believe me, go to the Heart Gallery of Alabama website and view the children waiting to be adopted. I think it is a wonderful program, but you also have to be careful.  You don’t know what you could be bringing into your home, and you have to be prepared to deal with the abuse that many of these children have come from and the issues that stem from that abuse.  There are many people who I know who have been able to adopt without going through an agency.  It is much less expensive, but those are rare situations. 

On to plan Z! Embryo donation is our best option.  My doctor is in charge of that program.  He thinks this is a wise decision and a cost effective one.  It is $5,800 to do this procedure.  That is much cheaper than anything else I could do, and it significantly increases my chances of getting pregnant.  There is a 30-50% chance of getting pregnant per embryo.  They will put 2-3 embryos inside and hope that at least one implants. We will be placed on a waiting list.  I don’t know how long that is, but he told me it would be months and not years.  It is no different than adopting.  It is even better.  I will get to carry the child.  However, it is a one-time deal.  They don’t let you continue repeating the procedure over and over again.  If it doesn’t work, you go back to the bottom of the waiting list. They will allow you to do this procedure until you are 50 years old.  Don’t worry.  I have no plans of being pregnant when I’m 50.  All we can do is try it.  The hardest part is mourning your chances of having a biological child.  You have to let that go.  Unless God intervenes and allows us to conceive on our own, which is ALWAYS a possibility, we will not be able to conceive a child that is biologically ours.  That makes me very sad, but I can’t do anything about it. Being on a waiting list will give us time to pay off the last loan we took out.  We almost have it paid off.  Then we will have to take out another loan to do the procedure. 

Thanks for your prayers.  If you have ideas about how we can fund raise, send them our way.  If you know of anyone who is going through infertility treatments, I have leftover medicines that need a home.  Send them my way.  I can help them out. 

Love,

Shatisa

Tired

I am writing this blog on Monday night, but I won't post it until tomorrow afternoon. I've known since Saturday that I'm not pregnant, that we've just spent $7,000 on another failed fertility treatment.  My body let me know the same way it's let me know all the times before.  It's devastating, absolutely devastating.  I am broken. I moped around all day Saturday at a birthday party, hoping that I was just imagining things or that what I was seeing was just spotting, maybe implantation bleeding, not my actual period, but Sunday morning confirmed my worst fears. Now I will get up early tomorrow and traipse down to the doctor's office and have a blood test that I dread having done because I know there is no hope or chance of a pregnancy this time around. 

How am I doing?  Not well.  I won't lie.  I'll be brutally honest, transparent.  In fact, I'm about to say some things that might offend people. I'm not trying to hurt anyone's feelings or point fingers.  I'm just sharing the thoughts that run through my mind.  I'm sorry, but this is how I feel.  I am miserable.  I want to stay in bed.  I don't want to go to work.  I don't want to talk to people.  I am fighting to keep from spiraling into depression.  I’m tired of my job.  I’m tired of this town. How would you feel?  I'm tired!  I'm tired of just about everything.  I'm tired of people telling me that they know how I feel.  No, you don't.  Even if you've been through infertility treatments, every person has a very different and unique situation.  I had a conversation with a friend one day who told me that she got tired of people saying that they knew how she felt after losing a loved one.  She pointed out that people mean well, but they forget that everyone grieves a different way and everyone's situation is different.  

Please don't stop me in front of other people and start asking me several questions about our situation.  I will start crying.  I am fragile right now.  I don't like crying in front of people. I'm also tired of people telling me to go on vacation, stop thinking about it, get acupuncture, try this and try that.  I'm tired of people telling me how to pray and what to say and if I quote this scripture 100 times a day and tilt my head to the left and do a jig while I pray, God will answer my prayers.  I'm tired of being told how I need to feel, what I need to say, and how I need to approach God. This is between me and God, and we will work it out.  He hears my prayers and your prayers.  He knows my heart.  I don't know why he isn't answering my prayers.  Just like any other Christian faced with a situation like this, I'm trying to be introspective.  Is there unforgiveness in my heart?  Is there sin I haven't repented for?  Are there things in my life that are hindering my prayer life or keeping my prayers from being answered?  I don't know, but I'm trying to figure it out. 

My faith and hope have taken a hit.  When you get bad news after bad news after bad news, yours would be impacted too. I am frustrated with God.  I don't understand.  Don't pretend like you've never had moments like this in your life, moments when you've doubted God, moments when you've been frustrated or angry at God, moments when you've wondered if he even hears you. It's part of being human.  It's part of being a Christian.  I will snap out of it.  I will pray and read his word and gain insight and eventually snap out of my funk like I always do.  

This may seem like a miniscule problem to you.  It may seem like there are so many others things in this world that are far worse, but for me, this is a tragedy.  It is my tragedy.  I have to have a few days to mourn and figure out what to do and pray and seek God's wisdom.  Nikki Giovanni says it best in her remarkable speech after the Virginia Tech shootings: 

"We are sad today and we will be sad for quite a while.

We are not moving on; we are embracing our mourning. 

We are strong enough to stand tall tearlessly; 

We are brave enough to bend to cry 

And sad enough to know we must laugh again.

We do not understand this tragedy. We know we did nothing to deserve it, but neither does the child in Africa dying of AIDS; neither do the invisible children walking the night away to avoid being captured by a rogue army; neither does the baby elephant watching his community be devastated for ivory; neither does the Mexican child looking for fresh water; neither does an Appalachian infant killed in the middle of the night in his crib in the home his father built with his own hands being run over by a boulder because the land was destabilized. No one deserves a tragedy."

I cut some parts out, but I think you get my point in posting it.  “No one deserves a tragedy.”  No one feels like she deserves the struggle she is facing, but horrible things happen to good people every single day.  I will cry and mourn, but there will come a day soon when I will be happy again.  I will move on. 

 The truth is this:  I am about to be thirty-eight next month. I've dreamed of being a mother my entire life and can't envision the lonely existence I would face without children in my life. I have tried for nine years to conceive.  I don't know how I will have children.  Maybe I'll have a biological child of my own, or maybe I won't.   God may perform a miracle and allow us to conceive on our own.  He may give us a child to adopt.  I don't know the answers to how and when this will happen.  I am open to whatever he places before me.  I don't know that IVF is an option for us financially.  With the amount of eggs I produce, we would be looking at $40,000 plus to do that, and my chances would be considerably low from the doctor's perspective.  The cruel truth is that infertility is a billion dollar industry.  Clinics and pharmaceutical companies are more interested in the almighty dollar than giving deserving people children.  If you can pay for it, anything is possible. But, is it worth taking that type of financial risk?  Adopting an infant is $25,000, and we will be on a waiting list for quite some time.  Do we try embryo donation?  It's no different than adopting.  The child isn't biologically yours, but you do get to carry it.  It costs money, but it's still cheaper than adopting...if it works.

I don't know what we will do.  I can't even think about it right now.  We have to finish paying off this loan before we can even do anything else. In the meantime, I will be praying and asking God to show us what we need to do.  Just pray for us.  That’s all I know to say.