The Light at the End of the Tunnel

We all have moments in our lives when we walk in a room and experience Déjà vu, that feeling of having been there before.  I experienced this just the other day. Except, I really had been there before. My bedroom is my place of comfort and solace.  At the darkest points of my life, I would oftentimes go to my room, crawl into my bed, and cover my head with the covers.  Tears would flow as I would stare off and think of my plight in life.  I wore the Scarlet I of infertility and wore it well, but others didn’t see the pain and despair that I went through.

I crawled into my bed the other day. This time it was for a totally different reason, sheer exhaustion.  As I covered my head and looked to the side, I was reminded.  I remembered lying there back in the winter and thinking to myself that one day I would look back on this painful moment, one day I would make it through the storm and see the light at the end of the tunnel and think back to my time of despair and remember.  Well, I’m finally there.  I’m looking back and remembering the pain I once felt.  It seems so distant and so long ago, but I’ve finally made it through the biggest storm of my life, a ten-year storm. My sadness and despair has been replaced with amazing joy.

There are many of you who are fighting a battle.  It may not be infertility, but it’s a massive battle.  You’ve been there.  You’ve shed tears and cried out to God.  You have wondered if it will ever end. I don’t know what it is that you are facing, but don’t give up.  Never lose faith.  There may have been times that I was down and disheartened, but I never lost faith in the Word of God.  He promised me so many things, and I reminded him daily of what his Word says.  His Word was all I had.  Without it, there was no hope. God is faithful, and I promise you that he will answer your prayers.

As I look down at my little girl tonight, I see God.  I see his goodness and mercy.  I see his love for me. I see the chains that he broke in my life.  When he said that if you delight in him, he will give you the desires of your heart, he wasn’t joking.  He looks at the most minute detail, and he remembers your every desire. God is good, and he is faithful. Your storm will soon pass away.  I don’t know his timing, and I don’t know exactly how or when he will do it, but I can promise you he will, and his plan is infinitely better than yours could ever be.  Don’t let go of your dreams.  Don’t get so tired that you give up.  The victory is coming. 

The Days Are Long but the Years Are Short

It’s official! She’s ours.  Her adoption was finalized in May.  That’s such a blessing since they told us it wouldn’t be final until July.  We have her new social security card and are waiting on her new birth certificate.  Hannah Kate is now Madison Avery.  

Life is wonderful.  I finally feel like I’m doing what God created me to do. I’m a mommy.  My life feels fulfilled. There is a hole that has been filled by a precious baby girl.  My family is now complete, and I can’t imagine life without her. 

However, I’m not going to pretend like it’s been easy.  It hasn’t.  The first two months were a major adjustment. Someone gave me an expression that says it all:  “The days are long but the years are short.”  I’m learning how true that really is. Most women have nine months to psych themselves up for motherhood.  I had a month to absorb everything.  In one month I went from not knowing anything about a baby, not having a nursery, not even thinking about adopting to having a beautiful girl and a completely stocked nursery.  God is good. But, all that blessing came with stress.  I was on an emotional roller-coaster ride, so when I brought Madison home, I started suffering from post-partum depression, which I didn’t even know was possible when you adopt, but after reading online and talking to an OBGYN, I found out that it is very common.  I found myself crying constantly, afraid to be alone with the baby, completely overwhelmed, but once my doctor put me on a low dose of Lexapro, things have been wonderful. Now I can actually enjoy the baby.  She sleeps well, so I am actually getting plenty of sleep now.  

I have learned a lesson about adoption.  I was always afraid to adopt.  I had heard horror stories of birth parents wanting the children back.  I had heard of kids born with addictions.  I was afraid of not bonding with the baby.  I was worried about how an adopted child would be treated. I was afraid of the cost and paperwork, but I can tell you that if God wants you to adopt, you have nothing to worry about.  It wasn’t too costly.  It was fast and easy, no complications.  I bonded with her immediately.  When I look at her, I can’t imagine that I would feel any differently with a biological child. She is mine.  To those of you who have thought about adopting but are frightened, don’t be.  It’s a true blessing and gift from God.  

Adoption has made me view my own mother in a different light.  I appreciate her even more now that I realize how much she sacrificed and how difficult it must have been to work full time and raise four children.  It’s hard enough with one.  Most importantly, as a Christian, it has made me view my God differently.  I look at Madison and am so proud of her.  I love her with a love I can’t explain.  I am reminded that God looks at me the same way.  He is so proud of me and loves me with unconditional love.  I get it now.  I also can’t imagine how he gave his only son for me, how he watched him die on that cross in agonizing pain.  I look at Madison and my heart breaks to think about that.  My eyes have been opened. 

We have a new normal now, and I like it.  I don’t want to go back to the way it was. We were blessed to both be able to take off work with her.  Richard just went back to work, and I am now off for eleven weeks.  Summer vacation is going to be wonderful.  Then she is off to daycare in the fall.  That will be a sad day, but I know they will take good care of her.

Madison will be three months old Wednesday.  She is growing so quickly.  She’s around twelve pounds now.  She gets up once a night at 3:00 am, but she takes her bottle and goes back to sleep.  She started teething and chews on everything.  She cackles and coos constantly and is almost flipping over. She loves to give her mommy slobbery kisses. I love it.  My heart melts every single time she grabs me.  She also loves to play with my hair, especially when she’s eating or is sleepy.  She rarely cries, loves to shop with me, sleeps at restaurants, and is a perfect angel 99% of the time.  We are blessed with a very good baby.  The greatest challenge we face is trying to tame her wild and curly hair. 

Someone asked us today if we wanted to adopt another one.  Who knows!? We didn’t even know about this one.  We just follow God’s lead.  Whatever he wants us to do, we will do it.  In fact, God has a sense of humor, so I wouldn’t be surprised if I got pregnant on my own now after all these years. God isn’t done with us yet.  I am sure great things are on the way.  It’s exciting to sit back and watch.  Nothing is impossible with God. 

Thank you all for your prayers, kind words, and support.  We have experienced an overflow of God’s love and provision. We feel so loved by everyone.   

God Is No Respecter of Persons

For years I’ve carried around an arsenal of Bible verses that I memorized, verses that pertained to our situation:  Ephesians 3:20, 1 Samuel 1:27, Psalm 113:9, Matthew 8:17, Luke 1:13-15, Luke 1:36-37, Romans 10:17, Genesis 1:28, Genesis 20:17, Genesis 21:6-7, Jeremiah 29:11. These are just a few, but I memorized so many of them and quoted them often. They were fuel for my soul. I just kept believing that God was no respecter of persons, so what he did for Sarah, Hannah, Rebekah, and Elizabeth, he would do for me. That doesn’t mean that I didn’t have days where I was frustrated with God.  I did, but I never lost hope.  I never doubted that we would be parents.  I just didn’t know how God would do it. What’s amazing is the way that he answered my prayer. 

 It’s no secret that I was never a fan of adoption.  I was never comfortable with the astronomical cost of an adoption agency. Plus, I had heard of so many horror stories.  I prayed so many times to God.  I would tell him that he would have to drop a baby in my lap if he wanted me to adopt because I just didn’t feel comfortable with it.  Well, God definitely has a sense of humor, because he did just that.  He literally dropped a baby in our laps.  A week after the most devastating failed fertility treatment, I got a message from a friend, a simple message that her cousin was pregnant and couldn’t keep the baby.  She read my blog and said that it was no coincidence.  It must be God orchestrated, and, indeed, it was.  So here we are three weeks later.  

I can’t express to you how much God’s hand has been all over this.  The cost was low.  The process was easy.  It was quick.  We had a relatively easy experience with no glitches.  We’ve experienced an overflow of blessings from the Lord. Every single need has been met.  We had three weeks to put a nursery together and get things situated with work.  Nursery furniture was given to us.  Nursery bedding was given to us.  Strollers, bassinets, swings, bouncy seats, you name it. It was all given to us.  I had enough days for a maternity leave and easily found a sub.  Richard is taking a paternity leave the last month of school, and then I’m home all summer. The monetary gifts we’ve been given are unbelievable.  There is absolutely no way that this isn’t God orchestrated.  Even the hospital was amazed at the fact that the birth mother had already met with the judge and signed away her rights and we already had the power of attorney.  They weren’t accustomed to that.  They were used to the lawyer coming to the hospital and having the mother sign the papers there.  They even told us that the only private adoption they had dealt with ended tragically with the mother changing her mind at the last minute.  That wasn’t the case for us.  The birth mother physically placed the baby in my arms. 

I knew this day would come.  I knew there would be a time when I would finally be a mother and could sit back and look at how God performed a miracle in my life.  It’s amazing to see how he operates. It may not be what I envisioned, but his plan was ten times better than mine ever could be. Sometimes it seems so surreal, like a dream. God is good.  He loves his children.  He hears our cries, and he answers our prayers.  If you don’t have a relationship with him, now is the time to get to know him.  My life would’ve been so hopeless without him and his promises.

Life is definitely different now.  Being a mother is a huge adjustment…the sleepless nights.  

But, look at that perfect miracle.  She is so worth it.  Life will never be the same.  Her adoption will be finalized by early summer, and we can’t wait.  We are so thankful to her birth mother who was willing to make such an agonizing decision in order to bless her child and to bless us with her child. Please pray for her birth mother over these next few months.  I’m sure she is still hurting.  I can’t even imagine what she has gone through.  

Pray for us as well.  There are many decisions we need to make.  I want to make a career change but am seeking God’s will in what to do.  I don’t know if I want to continue teaching at all or if I want to teach a different subject. I don’t want Richard to continue working two jobs either.  We don’t know if we are going to stay in Tuscaloosa.  It’s very hard raising an infant with absolutely no family in town.  My family is four hours away in Dothan, and Richard’s family is in Jasper.  There is no one to help.  Luckily, I’ve had family coming and going the last three weeks, which has been a huge help.  But, I can’t afford babysitters every time I get ready to run an errand.  It would be nice to have family around. 

 Please forgive me these next few months as I blow up Facebook with photos. Just stop following me if it gets to be too much.  I’ve waited nine years for this, so I won’t be stopping. 

Thank you for all of your love, support, and prayers as we’ve gone through this journey.

Love,

Shatisa