Being a parent has been one of the most wonderful
experiences of my life. With it comes a
lot of introspection. It makes you face
those personal demons that you’ve kept tucked away deep down inside of you.
That’s not necessarily a negative thing.
In your desire to be the best parent you can be, you try to fix anything
and everything that can be holding you back.
Before I say anything else, let me preface it with
this: I love to write. Writing is therapeutic for me. I am going to say some things that others
will say I should’ve kept to myself, but that’s not how I operate. Writing helps me heal. It allows me to say all the things that I’ve
kept hidden. It is also an opportunity
to help someone else who may be dealing with the same issues.
I will be turning forty in two weeks. I’m not excited about that. Even though I may appear to be forty on the
outside, on the inside, I’m still the little eight-year-old girl who watched
her world collapse around her when her parents divorced. Becoming a parent has made me deal with some
of my childhood hurts. I want to make sure that Richard and I have a very
strong marriage, because I don’t want Madison to ever have to go through the
hurt that comes with divorce. It is very
important to me that Richard and I have healthy dialogue with one another. I’m not saying that we always do, but I don’t
want to fight or yell at one another in front of her. It’s a really big deal to me. I don’t want her to lock herself up in the
bathroom or bedroom and plug her ears like I did when I was a little girl so
she won’t have to hear her parents scream at one another. I don’t want her to feel scared or
uncomfortable.
I will always fight for my marriage and do whatever I can to
ensure that we stay committed to one another, because I will never forget what
divorce did to me. I remember when my
mom told me that she was leaving my dad and that I was the only person she had
told. I remember being very scared and
unsure, and I remember feeling that I had to be strong for her…for me. That molded my personality. I’ve always tried to be very strong, or at
least appear to be strong on the outside. I remember what it was like to be
uprooted from the only home I knew and move to the city into an apartment with
my mother and begin life in a new school with new friends. I remember what it was like to have my dad
drive me to school a few times the first couple of weeks and listen to him cry
as he talked about their divorce, and then I would enter the school with tears
in my eyes and the weight of that conversation on my little shoulders.
It’s important to me that Madison has a close relationship
with her daddy, which she does, because she absolutely adores him, but it’s
important because I never had that with my own daddy. My daddy stopped having
anything to do with me by the time I was about ten. He remarried, and my stepmother didn’t want
me over there. My mom remarried, and
thank the good Lord above, she married an amazing man, but that’s not always
the case when stepparents are brought into the scenario. I don’t want Madison
to ever have to wonder why her daddy doesn’t love her. I don’t want her to ever wonder why daddy
never had the money to pay her child support but always had the money to go
hunting or fishing or do whatever else he wanted to do. I never want her to go through life wondering
why she isn’t good enough or what she could’ve done better to make her daddy
love her. I don’t want her to wonder why
her daddy can’t just take her to McDonald’s or call her or spend the day with
her. And most importantly, I don’t want
her to feel worthless, like discarded trash, or to make a lifetime of mistakes
in every relationship she is ever in because of the way her father treated her.
I will do whatever I can to make sure that doesn’t happen.
I will always tell Madison how beautiful she is and how
smart she is. I will make sure that Richard
and I lift her up and make her feel special. We will not use words to hurt her.
My mom always told me how beautiful and
talented I was. I grew up with self-esteem
because of my mother. My daddy, in his
attempts to find something to talk to me about, would oftentimes make fun of my
weight. I’ve always been told that he didn’t
mean anything by it, but it doesn’t matter.
When you’re a kid or a teen or an adult and your daddy makes fun of you
for your weight, it sticks with you.
Words hurt. Whoever came up with
the old adage, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt
me” needs to be throat punched. Words do
hurt, and they stick with you a lifetime.
I will use my words to build up my child and not destroy her.
Since Madison’s birth, I have had to revisit these
hurts. It has been very hard. I’ve had to really think about the definition
of forgiveness. The dictionary definition of forgiveness is “to cease to feel
resentment against an offender.” We are called as Christians to forgive: “And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if
you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may
forgive you your trespasses” (Mark 11:25).
That’s just one of many verses on forgiveness. I want to be a Godly example to Madison. I want to teach her what it means to truly
live a Christian life. I also have to
teach her about forgiveness. That’s
hard. Do I dwell on my past? No. Do I hate my father or stepmother? No.
My way of dealing with hurt is to shut people out of my life
who hurt me. It’s my defense
mechanism. If I forget about them, I don’t
have to worry about ever being hurt again.
That’s how I’ve handled my relationship with my father all these years. I stopped trying and I stopped caring. I let go of what happened in the past. I have
a wonderful relationship with my mother and my siblings. I have an amazing stepdad, who is my father,
because he stepped up and fulfilled that role in my life. I have always honored my father like the
Bible requires me to. When I got
married, I put his name in the newspaper announcement. I put his name and my stepmother’s name on my
wedding invitations. When my dad was in
the hospital, I went to see him, but that’s it.
Now that Madison is here, they’ve wanted to be a part of her
life, and that has been hard for me. It’s
not because I haven’t forgiven them or hold any kind of hate towards them. She’s my daughter. I want to spare her from the hurt I’ve
faced. I can’t help it. I want to protect her. In my mind, if she never knows them, then she
doesn’t have to face disappointment or hurt.
My greatest fear is that by letting them see her, they will somehow
break her heart the way they broke mine.
I don’t want her to be hurt. I
don’t want them to be a part of her life now and then up and disappear when she
gets older. And as hard as I try not to feel this way, I find myself being
angry when they bring her gifts or money or call and ask to come see her when I
come home to visit. Why? Because they
never wanted to come see me and still don’t. It’s a difficult battle. I want to be a Godly example to my daughter,
but I also want to protect her from all the pain this world has to offer.
What do I hope people take from this? Well, first, I need to say these things. I need to tell others about my
experiences. They are my experiences,
and I have every right to share them.
Second, I hope that people will realize how devastating divorce can
be. Fight for your marriages, especially
if you have children. Third, parenting
brings out the best and the worst in us.
It’s not easy. It’s a hard battle
to face. Parenting requires us to be introspective. We are forced to work on our flaws so our
best parts are on display for our children.
If you take anything from this, just remember that you are not
alone. We all have unique life
experiences that shape us into who we are, and every parent has personal demons
that he/she fights in the common goal of becoming the best parent for that
little being that we are shaping.
It’s a tough job. It’s
a selfless job. It’s the best job. Parenting is hard, and while we are trying
our best to mold our children into productive citizens, God is molding us to be
the best examples we can be to them.
