No one likes to wait. We spend most of our lives waiting for something, waiting in line at Walmart, waiting at the doctor's office, waiting for the work day to end, waiting for friends to come over. The list goes on and on. When we wait our senses become hyper focused. We hear the ticking of the clock, the clicking of nails, the screams of children, the conversations around us. It seems to never end, but there are those sounds that tell us that our wait is over. The cashier says, "Next." The clock hits 5:00 pm. We even hear the car door that signals that our friends have arrived. It doesn't work like that for me. There are no signals that my wait is over. I have been waiting for nine years, and my senses are hyper focused. I just find the noises annoying.
Sometimes I feel like Austin Powers. That may be a bad analogy, but like Austin, I feel like I've been frozen in time and the whole world around me has changed, but I haven't. At times I even feel as if my mojo has been stolen. There really isn't a place for me and Richard. We don't fit in. It's not anyone's fault, but our friends have had children and have moved on with their lives. Our lives are at a stand still. You don't fit in with your old friends. It's hard to make new friends. Once you have children they become your focus, your life, as it should be, but there is little room or time for others. You don't fit in at work. You are too old to hang with the young childless crew, but you are too young to fit in with the ones who have older children. We are a minority, the childless. We don't even fit in at church. That's okay. I don't have to fit in, but it does make for lonely times.
Sometimes while I'm waiting, I sit and think about whether or not it's worth it. Is it worth it to never see your husband because he works two jobs? Is it worth it to be alone all the time? Is it worth it to sacrifice vacations and anniversaries? Is it worth it to rarely eat out or buy anything for yourself? Is it worth it to live in a town you really have no ties to just to be close to the doctor? Is it worth it to pump your body full of drugs that make you act like a mad woman? Is it worth it to keep riding this emotional roller coaster ride?
There are days when I think that we should just quit treatments and spend our money traveling and enjoying life. I sometimes think it would be great to pack up my bags and move to some tropical island and spend my days basking in the sun. I oftentimes think of quitting and doing what I want to do, but then I think about old age. Who will be there when we are too old to travel? Who will be there for us when one of us passes away? So, is it worth it? Yes! No one wants to be alone.
I haven't posted a blog in a while. We've just been at a standstill. After my failed treatment in the spring, I had another cyst, so I had to go back on birth control for two months to shrink it. I also had to have my annual tests done to update my records, so we couldn't do another treatment until that was done. I went last Thursday for my tests. I have to be checked for STD's and other infections. At least we know that I don't have AIDS or chlamydia. They have to do blood work and cultures and have to update my file. That has now been done. I met with the doctor as well.
Dr. Allemand is great. We talked about how there is nothing wrong with me on paper. He found nothing in my surgery. All my blood work is great. I don't have thyroid issues or diabetes or high blood pressure or polycystic ovary syndrome. There is absolutely nothing wrong. He says that I just don't produce as many eggs as a 37 yr. old should. He said that I summed it up best by saying that we are just waiting for the perfect egg. I just need one really good egg.
The game plan is to increase the dosage of one of my medicines. Luckily, I have a lot of medicine left over from the last treatment, so that will help a lot with the cost, but we are still looking at paying around $3,000 out-of-pocket for this next treatment. It's not cheap. The doctor and I discussed doing a couple of more treatments and then looking at IVF. However, if this treatment doesn't work, it may be better to just do IVF. The cost of another IUI with no leftover meds would be pretty close to the cost of IVF. Dr. Allemand said that the good thing about IVF is that he can actually look at my eggs under a microscope and see if they are normal/good. If they aren't, then there is no use in trying anything else. We would just have to adopt.
Anyway, that's where we are. God's in control. He hears my prayers and answers them. Just continue to pray that the treatments work. Pray for healthy eggs, a healthy baby, and a healthy pregnancy. The Lord knows how many babies we can handle and afford. I really don't want sextuplets and a television show. Also pray for a way to afford daycare. Getting pregnant is only part of the problem. There are obstacles to overcome once you get pregnant. God knows what is best for us. He sees the big picture.
To those of you who helped us with our last fundraiser, thank you. That was a tremendous help. I hate doing fundraisers because I feel like I'm just asking for money, but we really have no choice. We will probably have to do some other fundraisers in the future or possibly take out a loan for IVF. God will make a way. He has made a way for us so far to afford everything we've done. Thanks for your prayers and support.
Shatisa
